Satire

This is awesome. 

Causality at its best. 

Would if he could. 

Felony possession of plastics!  LOS ANGELES, CA—El Segundo man Barry Walker wept bitterly in court today after a judge sentenced him to 20 years in state prison for possession of a crazy straw. Walker was arrested in January after police pulled him over, searched his car, and found a supply of crazy straws in his

They are free. FREE I tell you!  Everyone can come and eat as much as they want, for free!  HYATTSVILLE, MD—An exasperated waitress at a local Olive Garden restaurant was forced to ask Senator Bernie Sanders if he was just gonna sit there all night eating free breadsticks or if he was going to order

ROTFL!!! U.S.—Senator and presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren left a brutal 1-star review for Ancestry.com on a popular consumer review site, sources confirmed Tuesday. Internet users noticed a particularly negative review of the site’s DNA testing and family tree analysis services. They were then able to link the account, JefeWarren2020, to the presidential candidate’s official email

Socialist textbooks are pretty thin picture books.  AUSTIN, TX—While attending a special SXSW filled with many affluent haters of capitalism, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was filmed while signing several economics textbooks, a gesture that was offensive to many.

We could only hope.  WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Ilhan Omar has been a headache for the Democrats since taking office, with party leaders scrambling to explain away her myriad offensive comments.

The struggle is real!  WASHINGTON, D.C.—The party of love and tolerance which is adamantly opposed to hatred in all its forms struggled mightily before finally passing a resolution that vaguely condemns hate, sources confirmed Thursday.

So true!  U.S.—The United States birth rate has continued to fall as millennials increasingly believe that everything is bad, the world is going to end, and to bring kids into this nightmarish hellscape would be tantamount to child abuse.   That follows up on the idea that you’re better off killing them first.  “The world

Pretty much.  WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Green New Deal hit a snag when it lost the support of another freshman representative, Ilhan Omar. Omar had been an enthusiastic supporter of the Green New Deal and wanted to save the earth, but then she noticed something very disturbing when looking at a map of the earth:

Is this even satire any more?  WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democratic leaders in Washington assured the nation Thursday that they will eventually get around to “low-priority issues” like condemning anti-Semitism among its party members right after they’ve finished with more important issues, like ensuring all Americans have the right to abort their born or unborn children.

ROTFL!!! KING’S LANDING—Entering an already crowded field of 2020 Democratic candidates, Cersei Lannister, the First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Protector of the Seven Kingdoms announced Tuesday her candidacy for President of the United States of America. Lannister’s vicious politics and position as a fierce, powerful, independent feminist icon

That would have been so much fun to watch!  U.S.—Uncontrollable wailing could be heard across the land Tuesday as American Republicans from coast to coast wept bitterly upon learning that Hillary Clinton had finally announced that she will not be running for president in 2020, multiple sources confirmed.

Welcome to Moscow.  PORTLAND, OR—While discussing political issues with a Christian friend at a coffee shop Monday morning, local liberal atheist man Lars Wellson quoted the Bible several times to prove his position correct, despite the fact that he doesn’t believe the Bible to be true in the slightest. The man who trashes the Bible all day

Repeat a lie often enough and people believe it!  U.S.—A new study found that repeating a false statement over and over, especially on Twitter or other social media websites, magically makes it true. “It seems that as you say the completely untrue claim over and over again, the laws of morality suddenly begin to alter

Brilliant!  HELL—In a statement offered to reporters during a 15-minute recess from hell, dictator and mass murderer Joseph Stalin announced he now identifies as a strong woman of color in order to deflect criticism away from his socialist policies that killed millions. “I now identify as a strong woman of color, and a lot of