Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.

Hillary Clinton Slams Trump For Not Taking A More ‘Hands-Off’ Approach To Embassy Attack

WASHINGTON, D.C—Hillary Clinton has slammed President Trump on Twitter for not taking a more “hands-off” approach to the protests in Iraq that threatened American lives at the embassy there. After Trump quickly sent Marines to defend Americans trapped at the embassy, Clinton immediately blasted him for taking such “rash, uncalled-for” action when he could have …

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Elizabeth Warren Opens Casino To Help Finance Campaign

U.S.—With campaign contributions down 30% in the last quarter, you might think it’s time for Elizabeth Warren to throw in the tomahawk. But not this brave Native American warrior!

San Francisco Dogs Begin Bagging People Poop

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—The dogs of San Francisco have announced a citywide cleanup initiative, in which the canines will carry little plastic bags with them wherever they go in order to clean up the massive dumps humans keep leaving on the sidewalk.

Singapore ‘Rise Of Skywalker’ Edit Has Lesbian Characters Hurled Into Sarlacc Pit

SINGAPORE—Disney reps have confirmed that the Rise of Skywalker edit released for the Singapore market has the first lesbian characters in Star Wars history tossed into the Great Pit of Carkoon on Tatooine for their crimes.

Doctor Strange Searches 14,000,605 Futures But Doesn’t Find Any Where Trump Gets Removed From Office

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Concerned about their chances of successfully removing Trump from office via impeachment, Democrat leaders gathered in Washington to consult a Magic 8-ball. But Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez got too excited and shook it too hard, shattering the glass and rendering it useless.

Articles Of Impeachment Updated To Read ‘Orange Man Bad’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The two articles of impeachment leveled against President Trump were originally announced to be abuse of power and obstruction of Congress.

House Officially Votes To Make Mike Pence President

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a breaking and historic vote just moments ago, the House of Representatives voted to make Mike Pence the next president of the United States.

Obama Under Fire For Suggesting There Are Only Two Genders

SINGAPORE—Barack Obama has come under fire from the left after saying women are better leaders than men. Those taking issue with Obama’s remarks have pointed out that Obama’s bigoted statement suggests there are only two genders and that there are biological differences between the two.

Dems Vow To Learn From Labour Party’s Mistake Of Not Going Far Enough Left

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats stateside were watching closely as UK election results came in Thursday. They wanted to see how the Labour Party did so they could learn from any mistakes they made.

Greta Sails To Hong Kong To Lecture Protesters On Their Carbon Footprint

HONG KONG—Many have criticized climate activist Greta Thunberg for lecturing Western countries on their inaction on climate change when most of the pollution comes from developing countries like China and India. Well, Greta has finally gone to Hong Kong to address what she believes to be a major source of carbon emissions: the Hong Kong …

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Superman Criticized As Unrealistic For Portraying A Journalist As Heroic

U.S.—Comic book character Superman has increasingly come under fire lately, many seeing the character as extremely outdated — especially the bizarre depiction of his being a journalist who is heroic.

‘You Have Stolen My Dreams And My Childhood,’ Says Girl Currently Gracing Cover Of Time Magazine

WORLD—According to sources, a girl who has a pretty awesome childhood, gaining fame and accolades and even being featured on the cover of Time Magazine lectured the nation for stealing her dreams and her childhood.

Planned Parenthood Honors King Herod With Lifetime Achievement Award

NEW YORK, NY—At a special ceremony Thursday, Planned Parenthood posthumously awarded Herod the Great with its highest honor, the organization’s coveted PPFA Margaret Sanger Award.

Poll Finds Most People Would Rather Be Annihilated By Giant Tidal Wave Than Continue To Be Lectured By Climate Change Activists

U.S.—A new study found that most people would rather be annihilated by a giant tidal wave caused by climate change than continue to be lectured by climate change activists.