Satire

Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.

Greta Thunberg Mural Equipped With Laser Eyes That Shoot At SUVs

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—A new mural in downtown San Francisco of Swedish teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg has a surprise for passersby: her eyes are equipped with high-powered lasers designed to seek and destroy carbon-emitting SUVs on the streets below.   https://babylonbee.com/news/greta-thunberg-mural-equipped-with-laser-eyes-that-shoot-at-suvs/

Texas Luring Jobs Away From California With Promises Of Electricity

U.S.—New billboards have been popping up in California with the slogan “Move to Texas: We have electricity!” Many see this as a play to lure jobs away from California, as many jobs rely on electricity, especially in the modern economy. This could especially be attractive to jobs in the tech sector.  Roy Rivera, a tech …

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ABC Asks Viewers To Send In Evidence On Epstein So They Can Destroy It And Then Murder You

NEW YORK, NY—In a special PSA at the end of a news segment this morning, ABC News asked the station’s viewers to send in any evidence on Jeffrey Epstein and his possible connections among the rich and powerful, so that they could destroy said evidence and then murder the person who sent it in. https://babylonbee.com/news/abc-asks-viewers-to-send-in-evidence-on-epstein-so-they-can-destroy-it-and-then-murder-you/

Authorities Horrified At Woman Who Killed Baby With Meth Instead Of Traditional Brain-Sucking Device

HANFORD, CA—Authorities are looking for a woman who gave birth to a stillborn baby with toxic levels of methamphetamine in its system. “This is a complete horror,” said Hanford Mayor Carl Eggburn. “She didn’t even use calipers to rip the child to pieces like a decent human being.” https://babylonbee.com/news/authorities-horrified-at-woman-who-killed-baby-with-meth-instead-of-traditional-brain-sucking-device/

CNN Criticizes Pregnant Woman For Shooting Poor, Defenseless Man Who Was Simply Seeking Asylum In Her Home

ATLANTA, GA—After a woman in Florida defended her home from intruders with an AR-15, CNN quickly criticized her for murdering a “poor, defenseless refugee who was probably just applying for asylum in her house.” https://babylonbee.com/news/cnn-criticizes-pregnant-woman-for-shooting-poor-defenseless-man-who-was-simply-seeking-asylum-in-her-home/

Kamala Harris Proposes Dropping Kids Off At School When They Turn 5 And Picking Them Back Up When They Turn 30

Gives new meaning for “crib to grave” care.  I also love the fact that the Babylon Bee used the term “government schools.”  U.S.—Kamala Harris has unveiled her latest amazing policy proposal: having parents drop their kids off at government schools when they turn 5 and not picking them up until they turn 30. https://babylonbee.com/news/kamala-harris-proposes-parents-drop-their-kids-off-at-government-schools-when-they-turn-5-and-pick-them-up-again-when-they-turn-30/

Elizabeth Warren’s Plan To Pay For Medicare For All: Spend So Much The National Debt Clock Rolls Over To Zero

U.S.—Many were startled by the cost of Elizabeth Warren’s Medicare for All plan, estimated to be a whopping $52 trillion. “Is this a joke?” was the first question at Warren’s press conference where she revealed the cost, with the second question being “No, seriously, is this a joke?” https://babylonbee.com/news/elizabeth-warrens-plan-to-pay-for-medicare-for-all-spend-so-much-the-national-debt-clock-rolls-over-to-zero/

Medicare-For-All Worries Seniors Who Want To Keep Medicare’s Quality And Efficiency All To Themselves

WOODLAWN, MD—According to a recent survey, seniors across the nation are worried that a new “Medicare-For-All” healthcare plan would force them to share the incredible efficiency and top quality medical care they currently enjoy while Medicare is limited to senior citizens only. https://babylonbee.com/news/medicare-for-all-worries-seniors-who-want-to-keep-medicares-quality-and-efficiency-all-to-themselves/

Bernie Sanders Promises Crowd He Will Lock Trump Up And Also Millions Of Others Once The Gulags Are Up And Running

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—After the crowd chanted “Lock him up!” at a Bernie Sanders rally, the socialist presidential candidate was quick to respond, promising that Trump will be locked up along with millions of others once the gulags are up and running. https://babylonbee.com/news/sanders-promises-crowd-he-will-lock-trump-up-and-millions-of-others/

Obama Canceled After Activists Dig Up Old Presidential Campaign Where He Opposed Gay Marriage

Yea, no, he’s given a “by”.  CHICAGO, IL—Former President Barack Obama caused a stir while speaking at a summit in Chicago. He called out “cancel culture,” telling people that doing things like being “judgmental” and “casting stones” wasn’t helping anyone and was just causing further divisions. https://babylonbee.com/news/obama-canceled-after-activists-dig-up-old-campaign-where-he-opposed-gay-marriage/

More Californians Forced To Run Extension Cords To Neighboring States

CALIFORNIA—Deprived of luxuries like power and freedom, more and more Californians are being forced to run extension cords over to their neighbors in adjacent states. https://babylonbee.com/news/more-californians-forced-to-run-extension-cords-to-neighboring-states/

Bob The Tomato Praised For Being A Fruit Who Identifies As A Vegetable

“Fruity Tales” KITCHEN SINK—The LGBTQ community has praised Bob the Tomato as being “stunning and brave” after it was revealed that he is actually a fruit who identifies as a vegetable. https://babylonbee.com/news/bob-the-tomato-praised-for-being-a-fruit-who-identifies-as-a-veggie/

Texas Luring Jobs Away From California With Promises Of Electricity

U.S.—New billboards have been popping up in California with the slogan “Move to Texas: We have electricity!” Many see this as a play to lure jobs away from California, as many jobs rely on electricity, especially in the modern economy. This could especially be attractive to jobs in the tech sector. https://babylonbee.com/news/texas-luring-jobs-away-from-california-with-promises-of-electricity/

Conservatives Successfully Conserve Massive Deficits

Yup.  Pox on both their houses.  WASHINGTON, D.C.—Conservatives in Congress proudly announced Monday they have achieved their goal of conserving massive budget deficits. https://babylonbee.com/news/conservatives-successfully-conserve-massive-deficits/

Motorcyclist Who Identifies As Bicyclist Sets Cycling World Record

NEW YORK, NY—In an inspiring story from the world of professional cycling, a motorcyclist who identifies as a bicyclist has crushed all the regular bicyclists, setting an unbelievable world record. https://babylonbee.com/news/motorcycle-that-identifies-as-bicycle-sets-world-cycling-record/

Caravan Of Liberal Americans Makes Way Toward Socialist Paradise Of Venezuela

MEXICO—A migrant caravan full of leftists desiring to enter the socialist paradise of Venezuela departed the United States Thursday and began marching toward through Mexico, stating they will demand asylum so they might experience the far better life that socialism offers. The migrants claim they are leaving America because of its high standards of living, …

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Moloch Announces Forcing Your Kids To Become Transgender Is Acceptable Form Of Sacrifice

Is this even satire?  WASHINGTON, D.C.—The ancient god Moloch has announced that in lieu of the actual blood sacrifice of your children, you can now simply force your kids to become transgender as an alternative. “Honestly, I still prefer killing your kids in ritual sacrifice or aborting them,” he said at a press conference. “I …

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