U.S.—Democrats want to stop white men from legislating women’s bodies. So they have come out against Roe v. Wade, and have vowed to do everything to overturn it, after finding that the decision was made by a Supreme Court made up mostly of powerful, white men.
TUSCALOOSA, AL—Seven-year-old Gloria Hutchins was taken aside by her mother today and informed that thanks to new abortion laws, she may never enjoy the opportunity to kill her offspring. The two shared tears as Hutchin’s mother, Heather, explained how, back in the good old days, if she decided she wanted to have sex without any discrepancy or thought, that was totally fine because she could always just end the life she had created.
Talk about a close call: this baby was almost born into poverty, but his mother killed him just before the cutoff for abortion in their state. With literally just a few days to spare, she ended his life, saving him from living a life that isn’t always perfect.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Oops! Twitter just accidentally banned the official account of Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez while trying to crack down on parody accounts of the controversial congresswoman.
Cracks me up. They are concerned with Donald Trump’s blowing her personal millions while they are blowing taxpayers trillions!
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a blow to President Trump’s image as a savvy businessman, records show that Trump lost over one billion dollars from 1985 to 1994. The news has also caused him to be mocked by fellow politicians, who found taking a whole decade to lose only a billion dollars “beyond amateur.”
LA MESA, CA—As part of a widespread crackdown on unacceptable viewpoints on the social network, Facebook sent out its SWAT teams Monday to arrest local man Kent Rogers for illegal possession of conservative views.
After Facebook took out several fringe personalities last week, conservatives thought they were in the clear, but it turns out they were just next on the list.
Rogers’ arrest was part of a broader push against the illegal conservative view trade, which is estimated to affect millions of innocent Americans every year. Facebook SWAT specialists lined up outside his house for an early-morning, no-knock raid after he was caught posting a meme about Hillary Clinton’s 30,000 missing emails on his page.
“We booked him on possession of several tons of illicit viewpoints, including the idea that government should be relatively small, Christian values are generally a good thing, and cisgendered males aren’t always bad,” one lieutenant of the Facebook SWAT force said. “Residents of La Mesa can rest easy tonight knowing these ideas are off the streets.”
Proud officers took pictures with their haul, including hundreds of deadly books that question a far-left worldview, a signed picture of Ronald Reagan, and a copy of The Art of the Deal, a banned substance in all 50 states.
Rogers has been booked on the manufacture, possession, and spreading of conservative values.
This is satire, but it reflects exactly what I posted previously: it was nice for a liberal to come right out and speak the truth.
Hard to satirize something so vile.
U.S.—After Alabama state representative John Rogers made horrific comments on abortion, the nation admitted it was actually sort of proud of Democrats for finally being honest about their position on abortion.
“You kill them now or you kill them later. You bring them in the world unwanted, unloved, you send them to the electric chair. So, you kill them now or you kill them later,” he had said, sparking outrage among those with consciences.
However, in the midst of the outrage, the nation took solace in the fact that at least liberals are being honest now.
“It’s actually kind of refreshing to hear this kind of honesty,” one man in Texas said as he watched the revolting video of Rogers’ comments. “At least they’re being upfront about how abortion is murder now. It’s a step in the right direction. Before, they’d pretend it was healthcare or women’s rights or something. It’s good to hear some truth from the left for once.”
At publishing time, DNC officials had kidnapped Rogers for a mandatory, 12-hour training session so they could “reeducate” him on how to lie about abortion being murder when addressing the public.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After learning on Twitter that Venezuelans attempted a coup to oust President Nicolás Maduro from power, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez quickly took to her various social media accounts to slam citizens of the South American country for not turning to “high-speed rail instead of gas-guzzling coupes.”
WASHINGTON, D.C.—When Israel responded with airstrikes to over 600 rockets fired at them from Gaza, many defended this as a justified act of defense. Representative Ilhan Omar lashed out against this view, saying on Twitter about Israel, “If they’re so innocent, why are they Jews?”
I wonder what the New York Jewish community thinks about all this.
NEW YORK, NY—The New York Times has issued a heartfelt apology after the international edition of the newspaper published a cartoon that offended many “Passover worshipers.”
“We are so sorry for any offense this cartoon cause to Passover worshipers,” the paper wrote in its third attempted apology. “The tiny hat guys are upset, and we get it. The cartoon contained a lot of racist stereotypes and propaganda-like caricatures of the dreidel people. We should have had a more careful review process, so we wouldn’t cause offense to the fiddlers on the roof.”
“It was a small editorial oversight. We will strive not to offend Passover worshipers going forward,” the apology concluded.
The paper also committed to hiring consultants from among the “tiny hat guys” who could tell them if they were publishing a cartoon that looks like it could have been published in Germany in the 1930s. “The people with the funny 8-candle thing will help us to better understand anti-semitism and what, if any, bad effects it’s had in the past.
The very next day, over 27 racist cartoons were published, forcing dozens more pseudo-apologies, apology retractions, and subsequent more sincere apologies to offended Passover worshipers.