Satire

Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.

Marionette Strings Clearly Visible During Greta Thunberg Testimony

NEW YORK, NY—Climate activist and adolescent Greta Thunberg gave a passionate speech at the UN Climate Action Summit in New York, declaring, “How dare you? You have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words, and yet I’m one of the lucky ones. People are suffering. People are dying. Entire ecosystems are collapsing.” “This …

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Parents Allow 6-Year-Old Son To Begin Transitioning Into A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Per His Wishes

Sure, why not.  PORTLAND, OR—It began like any other day for the Leroux family. Greg and Cindy were getting ready for work—he a CSR for a paperclip manufacturer, she a street henna tattoo artist—when their boy Hayden came downstairs to eat his morning breakfast of Kashi’s new redwood-flavored cereal, made with bits of real redwood …

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Liberals Clarify Their Racism Is Actually Democratic Racism

WORLD—Liberals seem to have a problem as more Justin Trudeau blackface photos have surfaced. Meanwhile, Democratic politicians in America continue to say anti-semitic things. In their defense, liberals have come out to clarify that their racism isn’t the destructive kind condemned by most of humanity, but rather, it’s a new improved form called “democratic racism.” “It’s not …

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Government That Wants You To Take Climate Change Seriously Invites Foreign High School Kid To Testify Before Congress

More satire that isn’t.  WASHINGTON, D.C.—The government wants you to take climate change seriously, like really bad. So bad in fact, that they showed how very serious they are about the “climate crisis” by inviting a foreign high school kid as their star climate witness. https://babylonbee.com/news/the-government-wants-you-to-take-climate-change-seriously-so-they-invited-a-foreign-high-school-kid-to-testify-before-congress/

Ralph Northam Assures Trudeau His Political Career Will Suffer No Consequences Whatsoever

This really isn’t satire. There are no consequences for a progressive who does blackface. That rule only applies to conservatives. RICHMOND, VA—As Justin Trudeau found himself embroiled in a scandal over painting his face dark for ethnic costumes in the past, he began to despair. “How will I ever overcome this, eh?” he said, shaking …

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Panel Of Third Graders To Dictate Nation’s Climate Change Policy

Pretty much the level of intellectual discussion over global warming.  WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a panel on climate change held yesterday, the Senate brought in a group of excited third graders for ideas on fighting climate change. https://babylonbee.com/news/group-of-third-graders-to-dictate-nations-climate-change-policy/

Snopes: ‘The Claim That Trump Is Hitler Lacks Concrete Evidence But Alludes To A Deeper Truth’

U.S.—Snopes usually does a pretty good job at being the world’s most trusted source for non-partisan fact-checks of fake news, memes, and obvious jokes. But they’ve really stepped in it this time, drawing criticism for a recent fact-check of the left’s claim that Trump is literally Hitler. https://babylonbee.com/news/snopes-the-claim-that-trump-is-hitler-lacks-concrete-evidence-but-alludes-to-a-deeper-truth/

Dems Invoke Tried And True Strategy Of Obnoxiously Screaming About Kavanaugh

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As they enter into the high-stakes 2020 race, Democrats are growing concerned that they don’t have a solid strategy for taking on Donald Trump. But now, the universe has given them an answer in the form of new baseless Kavanaugh accusations published by the New York Times. https://babylonbee.com/news/dems-turn-to-proven-effective-strategy-of-acting-really-obnoxious-about-kavanaugh/

Hypocrisy: Right-Wingers Who Love It When The Babylon Bee Makes Stuff Up Suddenly Get Mad When The NYT Does It

U.S.—Many on the right have reacted with outrage to The New York Times on its story about Brett Kavanaugh where it basically made up a new charge against him. This is being looked at as hypocrisy, though, as many of those same people enjoy it when Christian satire site The Babylon Bee makes things up. https://babylonbee.com/news/hypocrisy-right-wingers-who-love-it-when-the-babylon-bee-makes-stuff-up-suddenly-get-mad-when-the-nyt-does-it/

New York Times Reveals Source On Kavanaugh Allegations Was Reputable Nigerian Prince

NEW YORK, NY—Many people criticized the New York Times’ recent piece bringing to light new and recycled Brett Kavanaugh allegations, especially after the website issued a disclaimer admitting basically nobody remembered the alleged incident.  https://babylonbee.com/news/new-york-times-reveals-source-on-kavanaugh-allegations-was-reputable-nigerian-prince/

Democrats Warn That Airplanes May Stage Another Attack, Similar To 9/11

We clearly need to outlaw airplanes… U.S.—In a recent press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Senator Cory Booker and other top Democrats expressed deep concerns that airplanes might, of their own free will, launch another violent attack, similar to the events of 9/11. https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-warn-that-airplanes-may-stage-another-attack-similar-to-911/

Nation’s Murderous Psychopaths Undecided On Whether They’ll Follow New Gun Laws

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats such as Beto O’Rourke have proposed a number of new gun laws, such as universal background checks, a ban on magazines that hold more than ten bullets, and possibly even a “mandatory buyback” of some weapons such as AR-15s. While these laws are likely to be a headache for law-abiding gun owners, the …

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Dog Identifies As Genderfluid To Avoid Getting Neutered

PORTLAND, OR—LGBTQ+ activists are praising Spot, as Spot is the world’s first genderfluid dog. Spot came to the realization he’s genderfluid after his owner announced they would be going to the vet to get neutered. https://babylonbee.com/news/dog-identifies-as-genderfluid-to-avoid-getting-neutered/

John Bolton Hired As National Security Advisor Of The Galactic Empire

Not my favorite politician. #WarHawk MAW INSTALLATION—Shortly after being ousted as the National Security Advisor of the United States, John Bolton found work more suited to his position on war, as the NSA of the Galactic Empire. https://babylonbee.com/news/john-bolton-hired-as-national-security-advisor-of-the-galactic-empire/

Insane Guy Shouting He’ll Buy Back Your Stuff With Your Own Money Becomes Popular Democratic Candidate

TROUTDALE, MI—An insane man who is known for stumbling through the streets of Troutdale shouting at people that he’ll buy back things from them that he never owned after he takes money from them that he does not possess has become one of the leading candidates in the 2020 presidential election. https://babylonbee.com/news/insane-guy-shouting-hell-buy-back-your-stuff-with-your-own-money-becomes-popular-democratic-candidate/