Satire

U.S.—In preparation for historic levels of chaos and unrest wrought by Democrats, Democrats are buying record numbers of guns to protect themselves from their crazy Democrat colleagues. According to FBI background check statistics, gun sales are set to hit historic highs since Democrats are scared out of their minds that Democrats may go insane after […]

WILMINGTON, DE—The Biden campaign has revealed Joe Biden’s dying wish: to be elected president. According to spokespeople, Biden’s loved ones gathered around him as he laid on his bed in the basement and whispered, “Just… let… me… be… president… of the…. aggggggh….” “President of Arg?” said a puzzled aide. “That doesn’t make any sense. Maybe

CALIFORNIA—Gavin Newsom has effectively banned Thanksgiving from California, requiring celebrating households to have only a few people, no bathroom usage, two-hour maximums, and individual plates. Californians all announced they are complying with the plan and instead of celebrating Thanksgiving will be holding Black Lives Matter turkey barbecues scheduled, coincidentally, for November 26. The dinner protests

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to anonymous sources, local liberal man Penn Millikers proposed to his girlfriend but has refused to reveal his position on adultery until after the wedding is over. https://babylonbee.com/news/liberal-groom-says-he-wont-reveal-position-on-adultery/

LOS ANGELES, CA—Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti, having opposed large religious gatherings in his city for the past 7 months, has suddenly reversed course, allowing a large worship service to take place in the streets of the city last night. https://babylonbee.com/news/la-mayor-finally-allows-large-religious-gathering/

U.S.—Facing growing frustration from parents over prolonged school closures, the American Federation of Teachers has released a statement promising school will resume just as soon as all the public school teachers are done campaigning for Biden. https://babylonbee.com/news/teachers-unions-promise-school-will-resume-as-soon-as-they-are-done-campaigning-for-biden/

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Joe Biden’s running mate appears to be in deep trouble after speaking in tonight’s debate and letting everyone hear what her voice actually sounds like. https://babylonbee.com/news/kamala-harriss-ratings-plummet-as-people-realize-theyd-have-to-listen-to-her-voice-for-next-4-years/

WILMINGTON, DE—During the evening of the VP debates, Joe Biden settled down on his soft couch with a glass of warm milk to watch his favorite stories on television. When he turned on the tube, he was shocked to see a woman of color on the screen.  “Wait a jack-a-doodle minute! This ain’t Matlock!” Biden

SEATTLE, WA—The Babylon Bee had the honor of sitting down with a local brave #resistance fighter to learn more about the fearless counterculture fighting against hate and other bad stuff like that. According to Doy Keeblesmush, a leader of the local resistance movement in Seattle, the ideology consists of whatever the media, universities, corporations, and Hollywood

PORTLAND, OR—Local Antifa rioter Paxton Parton is currently burning down a black neighborhood. So, he was surprised to learn that Joe Biden had called him just “an idea” and not a real organization. “Oh, really? Cool!” he said as he lobbed another Molotov toward a building. “Good to know!” “I was worried there would be

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Lying ill in the White House, Trump weakly asked for a pen and paper. Once these had been retrieved for him, he wrote out his dying wish — just in case the worst should happen — canceling out Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s dying wish. “I, Donald Trump, your favorite president, hereby state that my dying wish

U.S.—The party that wants to take over and manage your healthcare cheered today as their political archnemesis, President Donald Trump, contracted COVID, hoping and praying to the godless universe that he would die. Leftists who want to manage your healthcare for your own good also think it is a good thing when their political opponents

ALBANY, NY—Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York has extended a generous offer to house Trump at one of his state’s finest nursing homes. Cuomo says he is making the gesture out of the goodness of his heart and that nothing bad will happen to the president, as nursing homes in New York have a great

U.S.—A bombshell report put out by the corporate press today revealed that a Catholic believer believes things that the Catholic Church has believed for thousands of years. “This is shocking,” said Timmy Ooblyboo, head religion writer at VOX. “It seems like the Catholic Church’s record on feminist and LGBTQ issues is simply deplorable. I thought

SOUTH BEND, IN—In a disturbing new report, CNN has revealed the bizarre practices of the strange cult Amy Coney Berrett belongs to. Known to some as “Christendom,” it features many ancient rituals that were recorded by undercover CNN journalists at a strange stone building on Sunday where the ceremonies were held. https://babylonbee.com/news/cnn-reports-amy-coney-barrett-attended-bizarre-ceremony-where-she-ate-flesh-drank-blood-of-jewish-guy/

LOS ANGELES, CA—With high taxes, low electricity, and everything on fire, people continue to leave California. One man, Warren Stanley, was determined to stay, though. “I just enjoy the climate,” he explained. But he got a surprise this morning when he received a tax bill in the mail for $140 billion. “As the last person

SACRAMENTO, CA—California is currently on fire, having also been plagued by darkness, earthquakes, and hippies. State leaders are claiming they have “no idea” why God keeps lighting them on fire, though they just voted to reduce penalties for pedophiles in the name of equality for the LGBTQ+ community. https://babylonbee.com/news/state-that-just-voted-to-reduce-penalties-for-pedophiles-not-sure-why-god-keeps-lighting-them-on-fire/