Satire

Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.

Nation That Revolted Over Three-Pence Tax On Tea Now ‘Pretty Cool’ With Government Locking Everyone In Their Homes

U.S.—The nation that once revolted over minor taxes on tea and stamps is now “pretty cool” with state and local governments locking everyone in their homes and robbing them of their livelihood indefinitely. https://babylonbee.com/news/nation-that-revolted-over-three-pence-tax-on-tea-now-pretty-cool-with-government-destroying-everybodys-livelihood/

To Save Time, The Babylon Bee Will Now Just Republish Everything Biden Says Verbatim

The Bible tells us to work smarter, not harder. Or, better yet, don’t work at all if you can help it. You can look it up. It’s in the Proverbs somewhere. That’s why we’re announcing today that we will simply be republishing everything Joe Biden says word for word rather than spending a lot of …

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Black Man Votes Republican, Immediately Turns White

SANTEE JUNCTION, MO—At an early voting location this morning, African American citizen Conroy Ferguson turned white after voting Republican. Witnesses also claim he aged about 10 years and become perceivably more stuffy and unpleasant. Upon checking his wallet, Ferguson found his name had also changed to Clinton Hemsley. https://babylonbee.com/news/black-man-votes-republican-immediately-turns-white/

Study Finds Anyone Who Makes A Different Decision To Wear A Mask Than You Is A Brainwashed Sheep

WORLD—Scientists, in a groundbreaking research study, have discovered that anyone who makes a different decision on wearing a mask than you is a sheep. Scientists and statisticians were shocked when they ran the numbers through various statistical analyses to arrive at the startling discovery. https://babylonbee.com/news/study-finds-anyone-who-makes-a-different-decision-to-wear-a-mask-than-you-is-a-sheep/

Democrats Promise To Chew Up Cash, Tenderly Regurgitate It Into Mouths Of Voters

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats promised on Friday that they would provide all Americans with large, warm piles of gently digested cash that they would personally regurgitate into every citizen’s mouth one at a time. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that she would personally be having her jaw hinge loosed so that she could emit larger clumps of …

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68% Say Lockdown Shouldn’t End Until All Diseases Are Eradicated And There Is No War, Hunger, Or Suffering

U.S.—A new poll has been released that shows most Americans are comfortable with staying in lockdown for a while longer. In fact, according to the poll, a full 68% of Americans say the lockdown shouldn’t end until all diseases are eradicated, along with war, hunger, and any form of suffering. https://babylonbee.com/news/68-say-lockdown-shouldnt-end-until-all-diseases-are-eradicated-and-there-is-no-war-hunger-or-suffering/

Hillary Clinton Suggests That Americans Vote For President By Email

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Hillary Clinton has suggested that Americans vote for president via email, a controversial proposal that’s nonetheless gaining some traction on the left. https://babylonbee.com/news/hillary-clinton-suggests-that-americans-vote-for-president-by-email/

Ignorant Christian Not Constantly In Panic Or Despair

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Everyone has noticed that Neil Rodgers is appallingly ignorant of the world around him. This is most emphasized in the way he never reacts to current events with complete panic or despair as if he just doesn’t understand how horrible things are. “It’s sad,” said John Reynolds, a coworker. “It’s like he doesn’t …

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Ministry Of Magic Appoints Governor Whitmer Head Of Hogwarts

LONDON—Controversial Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore was recently removed from his post, as he clearly did not have the school under control, but the Ministry of Magic has installed a new headmistress: Governor Gretchen Whitmer of Michigan. Whitmer will replace Dumbledore and immediately enact unilateral Educational Decrees to restrict the students’ rights and liberties. “We needed …

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