Nation Awaits Apology From Media That Pushed Fake News Story For Two Years

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Really not much satire here. The media did what it was supposed to do: energize the Democrats’ base for the 2018 mid-term election. 

U.S.—According to sources from all across the country, the nation is still waiting for an apology for the media that pushed a fake news story connecting Donald Trump to Russia for two full years.

While those who supported Donald Trump were understandably a touch upset that they’ve been called Russian bots and Putin’s puppets for years now, they reported they were certain that an apology would be coming shortly from the press that pushed the story every time they got a chance, regardless of the evidence.

“Any second now,” one Trump supporter in Texas told reporters. “I’m absolutely confident that the press will own up to their errors and vow to learn from these mistakes. I mean, it’s not like they’ll just brush this all under the rug, move the goalposts, or somehow spin this into being our fault.”

“That would be, like, totally fake news, and I trust that the American press is above that,” he added.

Conservatives across the country were refreshing their newsfeeds and flipping through major media channels, awaiting the heartfelt apology from political pundits who dedicated their shows and commentary to the now-debunked Russiagate scandal 24/7.

Sources also confirmed that the nation is still waiting for an apology for the media’s complicity in the Iraq War, the smearing of the Covington Catholic students, and the wild conspiracy theories about Brett Kavanaugh.

https://babylonbee.com/news/nation-awaits-apology-from-media-that-pushed-fake-news-story-for-two-years/

Mueller Investigation Concludes Hillary Clinton Was Actually Just A Terrible Candidate

13502174602169731235Which everyone knew going into this last election. 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After a two-year-long investigation that included thousands of indictments, hundreds of search warrants, and several guilty pleas, Robert Mueller and the FBI managed to provide conclusive proof that Hillary Clinton was actually just a terrible candidate, sources confirmed Monday.

The official report summary indicated that the main factor in Clinton losing the election was not Russian collusion but her just being a really bad nominee.

“We have uncovered damning evidence that Hillary Clinton lost the election by colluding with the DNC to be the absolute worst possible candidate,” Mueller said in his first public address since the historic report was delivered. “As we could not find any Russian collusion, this was the only thing we managed to prove.”

“I mean, she lost to Donald Trump, for Pete’s sake,” he added, shaking his head.

Investigators showed that Clinton’s extreme lack of charisma or likability, her awful public policy record, her constant disparagement of millions of Americans she disagreed with, and her terrible campaign strategies resulted in her defeat.

“The only collusion we found was between Hillary Clinton and her campaign to be really unlikable,” Mueller continued. “And while she really is repulsive to so many Americans, that’s unfortunately not a crime, so I can’t charge her with anything. Ugh.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/mueller-report-concludes-hillary-clinton-was-just-a-terrible-candidate/

Evangelicals Relieved Their President Now Only Guilty Of Paying Off Porn Stars, Models

Article 3914 1The truth hurts. 

U.S.—Conservative evangelicals across the country confirmed Monday they were relieved that after the Mueller Report seemingly cleared President Trump of any Russian collusion over the weekend, they now have a president who only paid off porn stars and supermodels to cover up his marital infidelity.

Many Christians have come out against Trump. Others have stuck by the president’s side through thick and thin. The latter group is now vindicated, as Robert Mueller’s investigation clearly showed Trump’s moral character in that he did not collude with Russia but merely paid off porn stars and models during his 2016 campaign.

“Trump did not collude with Russia, showing he is God’s chosen, anointed one whose only flaw is having multiple affairs and paying the women hundreds of thousands of dollars to keep it all quiet,” said Pastor Robert Jeffress in an elated sermon Sunday. “His moral character is unmatched now that we know he wasn’t doing Putin’s bidding.”

Jeffress then asked the congregation to stand and sing the church’s classic hymn “Make America Great Again,” which is an actual thing that exists in our reality.

“Our chosen president is making morality great again,” Liberty University president Jerry Falwell, Jr said in a special address to the student body that was called when the Mueller Report was filed. “I am really happy that our president did not collude with Russia, confirming his status as the most moral leader America has ever had. Except for all the weird, shady stuff he has done. But, you know, the economy and stuff!”

https://babylonbee.com/news/evangelicals-relieved-their-president-now-only-guilty-of-paying-off-porn-stars/

Nation’s Psychiatric Wards Prepare For Influx Of Deranged Liberals Should Mueller Report Not Prove Collusion

Article 3910 1Again, reality satire. 

U.S.—The nation’s psychiatric wards are preparing themselves for an influx of deranged liberals, as Robert Mueller’s official report into Russian collusion has now been filed with the attorney general.

As it now seems unlikely that the report will provide definitive proof that President Trump colluded with Russia during his 2016 campaign, psych wards and mental health facilities began bracing themselves for a wave of psychotic, disillusioned liberals to be checked in by their friends and family members.

We haven’t really had to get ourselves ready for this many patients since Kavanaugh was confirmed,” said a worker at a hospital near Washington, D.C. “That was a crazy time. Of course, Trump’s inauguration saw thousands upon thousands of people being checked into our facilities, and we’re preparing for this to be the biggest wave of deluded, traumatized liberals yet.”

“Batten down the hatches, boys—this is gonna get ugly,” he said. “We’re gonna need a bigger psych ward.”

At publishing time, the crisis was partially postponed as liberals announced they would delay confronting the cold, hard facts of reality until Trump’s second term.

https://babylonbee.com/news/nations-psychiatric-wards-prepare-for-influx-of-deranged-liberals-should-mueller-report-not-prove-collusion/

Political Institution Specifically Designed To Guard Against Angry Mobs Draws Ire Of Angry Mobs

9087094494422910637More satire that is real life. 

U.S.—The electoral college, a political institution designed specifically to guard against rule by an angry mob, has drawn the ire of angry mobs this week, shocking dozens.

“Why on earth did the founders think it was a good idea to put in this political safeguard against the enraged majority!?” screamed one woman as she lobbed a hand grenade in the general direction of Washington, D.C., in a symbolic gesture (luckily, what she thought was a hand grenade was actually a potato.) “We don’t need any protection against an emotionally driven majority who want to inflict their will on the minority! IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE! AHHHHH!!!!”

Liberals continued to argue for the dismantling of the system that was created to ensure anyone with at least 51% of the vote couldn’t oppress the rest of their nation, disregarding vast swathes of the populace so they could inflict their terrible ideas on everyone else. They made really good, coherent points as they marched toward Washington with pitchforks, torches, and pointy sticks.

https://babylonbee.com/news/political-institution-specifically-designed-to-guard-against-angry-mobs-draws-ire-of-angry-mobs/

Ocasio-Cortez Slams Fox News Hosts For Not Referring To Her As ‘Dear Leader’

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Or maybe Il Duce!

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a scathing Twitter thread, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez took Fox News hosts to task for not referring her to her proper title: “Dear Leader.”

“Fox News likes to say my name (incorrectly) as ‘Ocasio-Cortez,’ which I can only imagine is because they refuse to acknowledge me as Dear, Supreme, Glorious Leader of the People’s Republic of North America,” she said, kicking off a 27-tweet-long rant during office hours. She further explained how the error was racist, rebuking anyone who disagreed by using clapping emojis and a few Parks & Recreation GIFs.

“No, you can’t simply refer to me as Alexandria or Ocasio-Cortez,” she continued. “My name is Dear Leader. Full stop. That’s my name.”

A review of Fox News footage over the past several months, however, indicated that hosts only ever correctly referred to her as “bananas.”

 

https://babylonbee.com/news/ocasio-cortez-slams-fox-news-hosts-for-not-referring-to-her-as-dear-leader/

Candidates Propose Changes To Fix Flaw In Constitution That Allows Republicans To Be Elected

Is this even satire? 17852559462585335463

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A number of Democrats have proposed changes to the structure of government that they think would help them win, such as lowering the voting age to 16, abolishing the Electoral College, packing the Supreme Court, and changing how Senate seats are allocated. Now, though, some of the Democratic presidential hopefuls are attacking the heart of the matter: what they call an “outdated Constitution” that sometimes “allows Republicans to be elected.”

“The election of Trump exposed a fundamental flaw in the Constitution,” Senator Elizabeth Warren said at a campaign rally. “Everyone said Hillary was supposed to win, but she didn’t. And we’re afraid that in the future, maybe Democrats won’t win again. We can’t allow that.”

Warren and numerous other Democrats have proposed an amendment to the Constitution that will state that only Democrats are allowed to win elections, a proposal they say will increase election “fairness.”

“When I think about someone other than a Democrat being elected,” said Senator Cory Booker, “it makes me so mad.” He then raised his fists and shook them, a gesture indicating he was mad. Candidate Beto O’Rourke also spoke out for the proposed amendment, though all he got out was, “It’s a great–” before skateboarding into a tree and quickly fleeing the scene of the incident.

None of the candidates have explained how they propose to get two-thirds of the states to agree with this amendment, though this has led them to point out another flaw with the Constitution: that it’s “way too hard to change when you suddenly think you have a much better idea.”

 

 

https://babylonbee.com/news/candidates-propose-changes-to-outdated-constitution-that-allows-republicans-to-be-elected/

Resurrected Che Guevara Announces 2020 Run, Democrats Quickly Criticize As ‘Too Moderate’

3308466440716040620This is too true to be satire. 

SANTA CLARA, CUBA—Is Marxist revolutionary Che Guevara too moderate for a 2020 run as a Democrat?

That’s the question the left is asking after Guevara was resurrected by a leftist political action committee, Marxists for Equality, Socialism, and Stalinism. MESS activists arrived in Santa Clara earlier this week and summoned Guevara’s spirit back from the dead using dark, demonic rituals, which are well-known to many Democrats. MESS then hastily photoshopped a birth certificate for Zombie Guevara so he would be eligible to run for president of the United States.

Guevara announced his run but was quickly denounced by many of his fellow candidates and other prominent Democrats.

“I’m just not sure Guevara is far enough left to be a viable Democratic candidate this election,” said one political pundit on CNN. “He’s really a centrist in the midst of this field of radical leftists, and we just don’t think he’s going to stand out this time.”

Democrats pointed out that while Guevara was a mass murderer, he really needs to specifically come out as allowing murder up to and including the moment of birth if he’s going to be accepted as a mainstream Democratic candidate. They also demonstrated that his brand of totalitarianist terror was a fine starting point, but he needs to show his willingness to silence anyone who even seems to slightly disagree with the left if he’s going to get any traction.

“I just looked up the Wikipedia article on Che,” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tweeted while she was supposed to be working. “I don’t see anything about him addressing climate change and wanting to destroy an entire economy based on wild-eyed apocalyptic predictions. I might have to throw away my Guevara T-shirts, to be honest.”

Reached for comment on Guevara’s official run, Bernie Sanders simply began ranting incoherently about how many flavors of Doritos there are at his local grocery store.

https://babylonbee.com/news/reanimated-che-guevara-announces-2020-run-quickly-criticized-as-too-moderate/

California Man Sentenced To 20 Years For Possession Of Crazy Straw

13795334079723874987Felony possession of plastics! 

LOS ANGELES, CA—El Segundo man Barry Walker wept bitterly in court today after a judge sentenced him to 20 years in state prison for possession of a crazy straw.

Walker was arrested in January after police pulled him over, searched his car, and found a supply of crazy straws in his glove compartment. After administering their customary beating, the LAPD arrested him and brought him in, where he was charged with Illegal Possession of a Controlled Crazy Straw, in violation of new California law.

“The suspect had a loaded, unsecured crazy straw in his car, one with a lot of little loopies and everything,” the arresting officer had told reporters back in January. “When he couldn’t produce a valid CCW, we realized we were dealing with a dangerous madman.”

The California court system fast-tracks significant crazy straw prosecution cases over “less significant” criminal cases like murder or rape, and so Walker was convicted in under a month.

“We hope Mr. Walker’s strict sentencing today serves as a warning to criminals: the state of California does not take crazy straw possession lightly. Please, if you know a loved one who still has an unregistered crazy straw—sometimes known on the street as ‘silly straws’ or ‘loop de doos’—turn them in.”

“If you see something, say something,” he added.

https://babylonbee.com/news/california-man-sentenced-to-20-years-for-possession-of-crazy-straw/

Exasperated Olive Garden Waitress Asks Bernie Sanders If He’s Just Gonna Sit There Eating Free Breadsticks All Night

516675301464725412They are free. FREE I tell you! 

Everyone can come and eat as much as they want, for free! 

HYATTSVILLE, MD—An exasperated waitress at a local Olive Garden restaurant was forced to ask Senator Bernie Sanders if he was just gonna sit there all night eating free breadsticks or if he was going to order something, sources confirmed Monday evening.

Sanders walked in and the waitress asked if she could bring him a basket of breadsticks while he thought about what he wanted to order. Sanders’ eyes went wild. “Free bread? Oh, I think I would like that very much.”

“You mean—you’ll just bring breadsticks I can much on while I mull over the menu?” he asked. “I don’t have to stand in a line for them or anything? Great, bring 2 baskets—no wait, make that 3!” 

The senator also ordered a water to sip on and proceeded to examine the menu carefully for the next three hours. “You know what the problem with places like this is?” he asked his frustrated server 30 minutes after the restaurant closed and he still hadn’t ordered anything.

“There’s too much selection. I don’t want to live in a world where we have 14 different varieties of chicken alfredo. Selection, choice, abundance—all evils of late-stage capitalism!”

About an hour later, Sanders reportedly attempted to escape out the bathroom window to avoid paying for anything, but his tufts of hair got caught on the window sill. 

At publishing time, Sanders took to Twitter to rant against the evils of capitalism after Olive Garden attempted to charge him $4.99 for the unlimited breadsticks.

https://babylonbee.com/news/exasperated-olive-garden-waitress-asks-bernie-sanders-if-hes-just-gonna-sit-there-all-night-eating-free-breadsticks/

Elizabeth Warren Leaves Brutal 1-Star Review For Ancestry.com

5204679164674171813ROTFL!!!

U.S.—Senator and presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren left a brutal 1-star review for Ancestry.com on a popular consumer review site, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Internet users noticed a particularly negative review of the site’s DNA testing and family tree analysis services. They were then able to link the account, JefeWarren2020, to the presidential candidate’s official email address.

“Site suggested I was only 1/1024th Native American, even though I have a lot of anecdotal family stories from my mama and my papa that suggest otherwise,” she wrote in the bitter review. “Very bad services. I would not use them again.”

“I even used my Native American heritage to get a leg up in life, and now some cheap website comes along and tells me it’s all a lie? I don’t think so, Buster!” the review continued. Warren then left a list of Native American words she knows as proof of her Indian heritage: teepee, maize, and buffalo.

“So as you can see, Ancestry.com is a huge scam!”

https://babylonbee.com/news/elizabeth-warren-leaves-brutal-1-star-review-for-ancestrycom/

‘Everything Is Bad And The World Is Ending And You Shouldn’t Have Kids,’ Says Party Of Progress

16782170994179429796So true! 

U.S.—The United States birth rate has continued to fall as millennials increasingly believe that everything is bad, the world is going to end, and to bring kids into this nightmarish hellscape would be tantamount to child abuse.  

That follows up on the idea that you’re better off killing them first. 

“The world is going to end in twelve years. If you have kids, it will end in probably like six years or something because they’ll just breathe more,” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said on a recent Instagram Live broadcast. “I have the science right here.” Ocasio-Cortez held up a copy of National Geographic. She later realized she had been referencing an article from 1989 warning that the world would end in 2001 if deep and wide environmental policies were not enforced. “If scientists from thirty years ago said the world was going to end in 12 years, who am I to doubt science?” she said upon realizing this.”Science is science.”

“The most progressive thing we can do is abort as many of the next generation as possible so they don’t have to be brought into this apocalyptic nightmare,” said progressive blogger Martina Bridges on a live stream over her iPhone from the driver’s seat in her Lexus on a sunny day in Santa Monica while drinking a cucumber lime acai iced tea.

However, in conflict with the traditional progressive view of not having children, some evidence suggests that one of the world’s greatest resources is the bright young minds of tomorrow. Research shows that children born today could be tomorrow’s innovators, finding solutions to the world’s problems this generation never even thought of. “That’s junk science,” said progressive researcher Darrell Lyons from the University of Henshaw. “Name one generation who was improved by the next generation. It’s a myth. People are born, they pollute the Earth, the world ends. That is how it has always worked out as long as the Earth has existed.” 

“Name one person who isn’t born yet who could fix the world’s problems,” Lyons went on. “I’ll wait.” Lyons sat with his arms crossed for close to thirty minutes before reporters began exiting the conference room.

“True progressivism knows the truth: this generation is the last possible hope for mankind,” Bridges continued on her live stream. “We know that the most brilliant minds to ever exist, past or future, are ours. If we don’t have our way, that’s the real Armageddon.”

What is the truly progressive solution if it is not continuing to have kids? Bridges, Ocasio-Cortez, and many other progressives believe that the only hope for true progress is to bring about a system of government from the early 1900s that has led to the death of millions and to vote for the oldest presidential candidate in history.

 

https://babylonbee.com/news/everything-is-bad-and-the-world-is-ending-and-you-shouldnt-have-kids-says-party-of-progress/