Satire

Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.

Joe Biden Holds A Diversity Training Seminar For The African American Community

WILMINGTON, DE—During a recent interview, Joe Biden made comments stating that unlike the African American community, Latinos are diverse with a multitude of opinions and attitudes. Biden has now decided to address this lack of diversity himself and host a diversity training seminar for the black community. https://babylonbee.com/news/joe-biden-holds-a-diversity-training-seminar-for-the-african-american-community/

Teachers Refusing To Go Back In The Fall Launch ‘Every Child Left Behind’ Movement

U.S.—Teachers who have been enjoying the extended time off due to COVID concerns are eager for it to continue. Desperate to avoid returning to the classroom in the fall while still getting paid for it, teachers have come together to launch an “Every Child Left Behind” movement.   https://babylonbee.com/news/teachers-refusing-to-go-back-in-the-fall-launch-all-kids-left-behind-movement/

Biden To Save Taxpayers Nearly 30% By Selecting Female VP

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden has announced he will be selecting a female vice president, a move many assumed was pandering to the ladyfolk. But it’s actually a brilliant move, according to top analysts, since the move will save taxpayers almost 30% on the vice president’s salary. https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-to-save-taxpayers-nearly-30-by-selecting-female-vp/

‘The Violent Riots Are A Myth,’ Says Rep. Nadler As Antifa Sets Fire To Congressional Hearing Room

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Jerry Nadler continued to insist that the violent riots across the country are “a myth” in a hearing today, even as Antifa rioters stormed the Capitol Building and set fire to the very room Nadler was testifying in. https://babylonbee.com/news/the-violent-riots-are-a-myth-says-rep-nadler-as-antifa-sets-fire-to-congressional-hearing-room/

Joe Biden Seen Sniffing Cardboard Cutout Fans At Baseball Game

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Yesterday, aides went down into the basement to check on Joe Biden, deliver him a protein shake, and bring him a special surprise: season 3 of Matlock on VHS. They were horrified to find he had escaped, having left only a cryptic note reading “I’M BEING HELD HOSTAGE AND THEY’RE MAKING ME RUN FOR …

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Orcs March On Minas Tirith In Mostly Peaceful Protest

MINAS TIRITH—Orcs marched on Minas Tirith this morning in a mostly peaceful protest.  The rioters marched for peace, justice, and love in a calm, peaceful, orderly gathering outside the city walls. The mostly peaceful protesters launched peaceful siege projectiles at the city and sent Nazguls to maul Gondorian soldiers in a demonstration of their love …

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Nevada Church Avoids Coronavirus Restrictions By Installing Slot Machines

CARSON CITY, NV—Calvary Chapel of the Desert was informed by the state that it was violating the state’s strict restrictions on church gatherings. So, Pastor Chuck Carver figured out a clever way around the stringent requirements: he installed slot machines in the church, and now his church is able to do whatever it wants. https://babylonbee.com/news/nevada-church-skirts-coronavirus-restrictions-by-installing-slots/

‘Trump Might Not Accept The Results Of The 2020 Election,’ Says Movement That Still Hasn’t Accepted Results Of 2016 Election

U.S.—Leftists are warning that President Donald Trump might not accept the results of the 2020 election. These same lefitsts have spent the last four years declaring that Trump is not their president, that Hillary Clinton actually won because she won the popular vote, and that Trump only won because of Russian interference. “It would absolutely …

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Dozens Gather In MAGA Hats In Hopes Washington Post Will Defame Them So They Can Become Millionaires

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Nick Sandmann settled yet another nine-figure lawsuit today, dozens of people went out in MAGA hats, gathering outside The Washington Post’s offices in hopes that they too would be defamed by the newspaper.   https://babylonbee.com/news/dozens-gather-in-maga-hats-in-hopes-washington-post-will-defame-them-so-they-can-become-millionaires/

‘FREEEEDOOOOM!!!’ Cries Kilt-Wearing John MacArthur Defying Government Order To Close Church

SUN VALLEY, CA—As Governor Gavin Newsom ordered churches to remain closed until death, suffering, disease, and sorrow have all passed away and there is no longer any risk associated with going outside, Pastor John MacArthur announced his church would be defying the order. https://babylonbee.com/news/freeeedoooom-cries-kilt-wearing-john-macarthur-defying-government-order-to-close-church/

Protesters Clarify They’re Only OK With Secret Police In Communist Countries

PORTLAND, OR—Peaceful protesters issued a clarification to the news media that their condemnation of federal secret police only applies to capitalist countries. “We need to unshackle ourselves from oppressive forms of coercive power structures like the racist and fascist police departments,” declared a spokesperson for the protesters, Whisper White. “This is why we are out …

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Business Owner Charged With Hate Crime For Painting Over BLM Graffiti On His Storefront

PORTLAND, OR—Hank Drake owns a woodworking shop on the outskirts of Portland, Hank’s Planks. But Drake is in danger of losing everything now that he was caught committing a hate crime: painting over a BLM mural lovingly painted on his storefront by peaceful protesters last week. Horrified witnesses say the man callously took a roller …

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Op-Ed: Women Can’t Play Trans Women Roles But Trans Women Are Women But [FATAL SYSTEM ERROR! SHUTTING DOWN!]

Halle Berry recently apologized for considering playing the part of a transgender man. Under literally any other circumstances, a progressive feminist like myself would applaud the bravery of a woman taking over a man’s job. However, we’re talking about a transgender man, so it’s different.  Under previous gender paradigms, it might be considered a sign …

Op-Ed: Women Can’t Play Trans Women Roles But Trans Women Are Women But [FATAL SYSTEM ERROR! SHUTTING DOWN!] Read More »

Federal ‘Secret Police’ Disguise Selves As Rioters So Democrat Mayors Will Let Them Do Whatever They Want

PORTLAND, OR—Portlanders and other citizens of Democrat-controlled cities have been sounding the alarm on President Trump’s “secret police,” federal agents who are arresting citizens in broad daylight for peacefully protesting with bricks and hand grenades and stuff.   https://babylonbee.com/news/federal-secret-police-disguise-selves-as-rioters-so-democrat-mayors-will-let-them-do-whatever-they-want/