Satire

Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.

Trump Unveils Much Simpler Stimulus Plan: GIANT MONEY CANNON!

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Republicans and Democrats in Congress bickered over a fiscal relief plan, President Donald Trump held a press conference to unveil a much simpler plan. “IT’S A GIANT MONEY CANNON!” Trump exclaimed with excitement as he pulled out a giant bazooka-looking device. Trump then explained how it works. “It’s a huge cannon that fires …

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San Francisco Asks Homeless Residents To Poop At Home

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—San Francisco Mayor London Breed has asked all the homeless residents of her city to please poop at home as coronavirus spreads throughout the nation. https://babylonbee.com/news/san-francisco-urges-homeless-residents-to-poop-from-home/

Planned Parenthood To Offer Drive-Thru Abortions During Lockdown

U.S.—Vowing to uphold the organization’s commitment to kill babies “no matter what,” Planned Parenthood announced they’ll be offering drive-thru abortions throughout the nationwide lockdown. https://babylonbee.com/news/planned-parenthood-offering-drive-thru-abortions-during-lockdown/

Chick-Fil-A Temporarily Changes Slogan To ‘Eat Fewer Bats’

ATLANTA, GA—In an effort to help curb the spread of Coronavirus, Chick-fil-a has announced that it will temporarily be changing its advertising slogan from “Eat Mor Chikin” to “Eat Fewer Bats.” https://babylonbee.com/news/chick-fil-a-temporarily-changes-slogan-to-eat-fewer-bats/

China: ‘We’ve Completely Cured Coronavirus And Everything Is Fine Here And No One Is Allowed In To Check’

BEIJING—President of the People’s Republic of China Xi Jinping made a surprise announcement to a few invited members of the press. “Everything is great here!” he said. “In fact… um… we’ve completely eradicated Coronavirus here — cured it even. Yep, cured it. We found a cure. But it… um… only works on the Chinese so …

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Government Accidentally Shuts Itself Down With Ban On Non-Essential Businesses

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time. But this shutdown mistakenly shut down the most non-essential entity of all: the government. For a brief period of time, all government in the United States was illegal, since it is completely non-essential to everything. …

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Democrats Demand Stimulus Bill Include Reparations For Transgender Native Americans Affected By Climate Change

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democratic lawmakers are blocking the stimulus bill proposed in Congress, slamming their Republican colleagues for refusing to include reparations for transgender Native Americans affected by climate change. https://babylonbee.com/news/dems-demand-stimulus-bill-include-reparations-for-transgender-native-americans-affected-by-climate-change/

Nation Apologizes For Taking Stay-At-Home Parents For Granted

U.S.—The nation has issued repeated, passionate apologies to stay-at-home parents for taking them for granted for so many years after just a few days in quarantine with their kids and the day to day problems of the household. https://babylonbee.com/news/nation-apologizes-for-taking-stay-at-home-parents-for-granted/

Professionals Work Tirelessly To Discover Which Political Party Should Be Blamed For Virus

U.S.—Hope for figuring out which political party to blame for the novel coronavirus could be on the horizon, as professional task forces have been assembled across various public and private areas of expertise, and vigorous research is underway. https://babylonbee.com/news/professionals-work-tirelessly-to-discover-which-political-party-should-be-blamed-for-virus/

Trump Says, ‘I Don’t Want Any Americans To Die’, NYT Quotes As ‘I… Want… Americans To Die’

NEW YORK, NY—In a somber, heartfelt speech yesterday, Trump expressed his condolences toward Americans affected by the coronavirus outbreak. At one point, he seemed to go off-script, saying, “This whole thing is just horrible. I don’t want any Americans to die. We’re doing everything we can so people will not die. We are not saying you’re …

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Ocasio-Cortez: ‘If You Don’t Infect Yourself With The Coronavirus, You Are A Racist’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an Instagram video filmed from her posh D.C. apartment, socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called on all Americans to infect themselves with the Wuhan coronavirus to prove they are accepting of viruses and diseases of all colors and nationalities. https://babylonbee.com/news/ocasio-cortez-if-you-dont-infect-yourself-with-the-coronavirus-you-are-a-racist/

Biden: ‘Not Only Will I Appoint A Woman Running Mate, But I Will Stand Behind Her At All Times’

WASHINGTON D.C.—If Joe Biden wins the Democratic nomination, his running mate will be a woman, he said Sunday. He then promised that whoever he appointed as his VP he would stand behind them at all times. This statement quickly placed a small collection of women leaders in a position of sudden discomfort. https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-i-will-not-only-appoint-a-woman-running-mate-but-will-stand-behind-her-at-all-times/

Italy Totally Fine Thanks To Universal Healthcare

ITALY—A new report has found that Italy is doing completely fine with no problems whatsoever thanks to its lauded universal healthcare system. As the coronavirus pandemic continues to sweep the world, countries are going on lockdown, but not Italy. Its universal healthcare program means that everybody is doing great, “incredible even.” “It seems that having …

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