Satire

Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.

After Thanksgiving Banned, Californians To Hold Turkey Barbecues In Honor Of Black Lives Matter On November 26

CALIFORNIA—Gavin Newsom has effectively banned Thanksgiving from California, requiring celebrating households to have only a few people, no bathroom usage, two-hour maximums, and individual plates. Californians all announced they are complying with the plan and instead of celebrating Thanksgiving will be holding Black Lives Matter turkey barbecues scheduled, coincidentally, for November 26. The dinner protests …

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L.A. Mayor Allows Large Religious Gathering Outside Staples Center

LOS ANGELES, CA—Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti, having opposed large religious gatherings in his city for the past 7 months, has suddenly reversed course, allowing a large worship service to take place in the streets of the city last night. https://babylonbee.com/news/la-mayor-finally-allows-large-religious-gathering/

Teachers Unions Promise School Will Resume As Soon As The Teachers Are Done Campaigning For Biden

U.S.—Facing growing frustration from parents over prolonged school closures, the American Federation of Teachers has released a statement promising school will resume just as soon as all the public school teachers are done campaigning for Biden. https://babylonbee.com/news/teachers-unions-promise-school-will-resume-as-soon-as-they-are-done-campaigning-for-biden/

Biden Confused By Woman Of Color On TV Who Isn’t Stocking Grocery Shelves

WILMINGTON, DE—During the evening of the VP debates, Joe Biden settled down on his soft couch with a glass of warm milk to watch his favorite stories on television. When he turned on the tube, he was shocked to see a woman of color on the screen.  “Wait a jack-a-doodle minute! This ain’t Matlock!” Biden …

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Man Who Agrees With The Media, Universities, Corporations, And Hollywood Thinks He’s Part Of The Resistance

SEATTLE, WA—The Babylon Bee had the honor of sitting down with a local brave #resistance fighter to learn more about the fearless counterculture fighting against hate and other bad stuff like that. According to Doy Keeblesmush, a leader of the local resistance movement in Seattle, the ideology consists of whatever the media, universities, corporations, and Hollywood …

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Antifa Rioter Currently Burning Down Neighborhood Surprised To Learn Antifa Is Just ‘An Idea’

PORTLAND, OR—Local Antifa rioter Paxton Parton is currently burning down a black neighborhood. So, he was surprised to learn that Joe Biden had called him just “an idea” and not a real organization. “Oh, really? Cool!” he said as he lobbed another Molotov toward a building. “Good to know!” “I was worried there would be …

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Trump Preemptively Pens Dying Wish Canceling Out RBG’s Dying Wish

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Lying ill in the White House, Trump weakly asked for a pen and paper. Once these had been retrieved for him, he wrote out his dying wish — just in case the worst should happen — canceling out Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s dying wish. “I, Donald Trump, your favorite president, hereby state that my dying wish …

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Party That Wants To Run Your Healthcare Roots For Political Opponent To Die

U.S.—The party that wants to take over and manage your healthcare cheered today as their political archnemesis, President Donald Trump, contracted COVID, hoping and praying to the godless universe that he would die. Leftists who want to manage your healthcare for your own good also think it is a good thing when their political opponents …

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Governor Cuomo Generously Offers To Admit Trump To New York Nursing Home

ALBANY, NY—Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York has extended a generous offer to house Trump at one of his state’s finest nursing homes. Cuomo says he is making the gesture out of the goodness of his heart and that nothing bad will happen to the president, as nursing homes in New York have a great …

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Bombshell Report Reveals Christian Believes Christian Things

U.S.—A bombshell report put out by the corporate press today revealed that a Catholic believer believes things that the Catholic Church has believed for thousands of years. “This is shocking,” said Timmy Ooblyboo, head religion writer at VOX. “It seems like the Catholic Church’s record on feminist and LGBTQ issues is simply deplorable. I thought …

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CNN Reports Amy Coney Barrett Attended Bizarre Ceremony Where She Ate Flesh, Drank Blood Of Jewish Guy

SOUTH BEND, IN—In a disturbing new report, CNN has revealed the bizarre practices of the strange cult Amy Coney Berrett belongs to. Known to some as “Christendom,” it features many ancient rituals that were recorded by undercover CNN journalists at a strange stone building on Sunday where the ceremonies were held. https://babylonbee.com/news/cnn-reports-amy-coney-barrett-attended-bizarre-ceremony-where-she-ate-flesh-drank-blood-of-jewish-guy/

D’oh! Last Guy Left In California Gets Stuck Paying The $140 Billion Tax Bill

LOS ANGELES, CA—With high taxes, low electricity, and everything on fire, people continue to leave California. One man, Warren Stanley, was determined to stay, though. “I just enjoy the climate,” he explained. But he got a surprise this morning when he received a tax bill in the mail for $140 billion. “As the last person …

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State That Just Voted To Reduce Penalties For Pedophiles Not Sure Why God Keeps Lighting Them On Fire

SACRAMENTO, CA—California is currently on fire, having also been plagued by darkness, earthquakes, and hippies. State leaders are claiming they have “no idea” why God keeps lighting them on fire, though they just voted to reduce penalties for pedophiles in the name of equality for the LGBTQ+ community. https://babylonbee.com/news/state-that-just-voted-to-reduce-penalties-for-pedophiles-not-sure-why-god-keeps-lighting-them-on-fire/

Rioters Beginning To Worry They Can No Longer Loot Safely

U.S.—For the past few months, the riots across America have been relatively peaceful, with people able to loot stores, beat bystanders, and burn down buildings without any fear of violence. That has changed recently, though, with the deployment of the National Guard in some places and the outbreak of armed right-wingers in other areas. “It …

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