U.S.—A number of Democrats have called the recent laws restricting abortion “imposing religion on others” since the basis of the laws is the ultra-religious view that murdering one’s offspring is wrong. Now some are going farther and attacking other laws they see as imposing the Christian religion on society, specifically any having to do with treating all people as equal.
SWEETWATER, TN—As the Democratic Party ramps up their efforts to take back the White House, leftwing politicians have begun pushing new, progressive initiatives, mostly involving promises of reparations to various minorities.
Democrats are proposing reparations for African-Americans, gay couples, and African-American gay couples, leaving some party leaders desperate to entice even more minority voters with monetary vote incentives. Former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is charting new territory by proposing reparations for a people group that she says has been neglected for far too long.
During a scheduled stop on her speaking tour in the town of Sweetwater, TN, Clinton spoke to a crowd of dozens about the need for reparations to anyone who ever lost a presidential election to Donald Trump.
“No other minority group has been so disenfranchised as this one,” Clinton announced to the audience, “and few have been wronged so deeply!” She went on to describe how every single person who ever lost a presidential election to Donald Trump had invested countless amounts of lobbyists’ money into campaigns, super real charities, and stylish pantsuits, only to achieve national humiliation, a penchant for Xanax, and millions of dollars in speaking engagements and book deals.
At publishing time, Clinton had also proposed reparations to any affluent political couple who had ever been the subject of a failed Broadway play.
SACRAMENTO, CA—Calling the measure a “major breakthrough” for the state’s education system, Governor Gavin Newsom signed into law Friday a bill that mandates field trips to gay bars, strip clubs, and abortion clinics for the state’s second graders.
We can’t have that now. What will we complain about.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi agreed to pass $4.6 billion in border funding — the majority going to humanitarian aid — foiling the plans of Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who was trying to keep the children held at the border from getting basic things like food, medicine, and blankets.
KENTON, MA—Local baker Harold Mackerelli has updated his menu to sell only cakes that beg customers not to sue the crud out of him and his family. On the shop counter there is a binder of options presenting a wide variety of new cakes such as the “Please, I have a family” strawberry cake and “There’s another shop across the street if you don’t like Christians” coconut crumbles cake.
U.S.—The 347 Democratic presidential candidates currently running announced Monday their new plan to attract voters to their platforms: simply to dangle stacks of cash over their heads on a fishing line.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Bernie Sanders announced he would pay off all $1.6 trillion in student debt if elected president “so that we can stay true to our liberal values of not taking personal responsibility for anything.”
“What kind of nation do we want to be?” he asked a crowd gathered around him as he exited a local Denny’s restaurant. “Do we want to be a nation that asks people to work hard and take responsibility for themselves?” The crowd booed, and Bernie Sanders wagged his finger. “That’s right, we don’t. We want to be a nation that remains true to itself. A nation where you can borrow hundreds of thousands of dollars and expect other people to pay for it.”
“That’s what this nation is all about,” he added, glaring at the crow, “making poor financial decisions and then expecting someone else to foot the bill. That’s what attracted me to the socialist platform in the first place.”
At publishing time, Sanders had asked if anyone in the crowd could run back into the Denny’s and pay for his tab since he had skipped out on the bill.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—The mayor of San Francisco, London Breed, proudly announced Monday that she has instructed city sanitation workers to install a giant toilet handle in order to flush the city of feces and urine periodically.
Rather than trying to keep up with the rapid accumulation of human waste in city streets, San Francisco Public Works employees will simply pull the giant toilet handle from time to time, causing billions of gallons of water to rush down alleys, sidewalks, and roads to keep things clean.
Small urinal cakes are also being installed along city sidewalks.
Breed assured concerned residents that this is all reclaimed water. It will be dumped into the San Francisco Bay and then cycled back through the giant toilet valve every time it is flushed. And best of all, city representatives confirmed that the giant, city-sized restroom is entirely gender-inclusive.
“No matter your gender identity or sexual orientation, you can just take a dump wherever you want,” Breed said. “Just like our nation’s founders intended.”
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a special session called to order Friday, Congress voted unanimously to do a complete overhaul of Father’s Day, renaming the holiday “Toxic Masculinity Awareness Day” and redefining the day’s meaning to encourage citizens to heap shame and disgust on all fathers, current or potential.
Americans across the country excitedly prepared to celebrate the updated holiday designed to shame fathers and all things masculine as the weekend approached.
“It was just time,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan, citing the high numbers of depression and anxiety among men as “a good sign things are progressing in the right direction, but we still have a lot of work to do before all men, everywhere do the right thing and hate themselves with the appropriate level of vehemence.” The new initiative seeks to have all men wailing in the streets in sackcloth and ashes, flagellating and weeping with shame and regret for their harmful, problematic masculinity.
The rewritten holiday guidelines suggest cancelling any gift orders for cigars or plans to take dad out for steak and instead sitting dad on the floor in the living room and repeatedly shaming him for being part of the problem, saying things like “Take that money you were going to spend on a beard trimmer and instead donate it to women’s rights.” The government also established an associated website, ToxicFathersDay.gov, where you can download a free card to give your father that reads, “This isn’t your day any more. Do better.”
Other gift suggestions include an endangered fish donation in your father’s name, pouring out beer for those affected by toxic masculinity, and tickets to a male reeducation ceremony held deep in the Cascade mountain range.
U.S.—After top U.S. officials claimed Iran attacked ships in the Gulf of Oman this week, John Bolton held a press conference where he asked when the government has ever lied about something like this just to start a war.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Shortly after Joe Biden promised to cure cancer if he is elected president, presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren attempted to one-up her opponent, promising to cure smallpox as one of her first actions upon taking office.
RAQQA, SYRIA—A Navy SEAL Team recently expressed regret in showing support for Pride Month after their new uniforms gave away their position in a covert operation to infiltrate an ISIS stronghold. Seal Captain James McKeever says they endured heavy gunfire after the little rainbow flags poking up off of their shoulder area drew the enemy’s attention. “The whole mission was a bust. We barely made it out alive.”