Again, satire too close to reality to tell the difference.
LOS FELIZ, CA—Local woman Sarah Harper declared Friday that her healthcare is none of your business or the government’s business, though she wants the government to take more of your money to pay for it.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid deliberations on the Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act, which was somehow seen as controversial, Democrat leaders reaffirmed their belief that newborn babies are precious gifts, nearly as precious as the right to kill them.
“Don’t get us wrong, we believe newborn babies are very precious,” said Senator Kamala Harris. “We just don’t believe they’re quite as precious as your constitutional right to snuff out their innocent little lives.”
“When I see their little joyful faces, I’m reminded that miracles are real, as are your rights to smother their lives before they’ve gotten to experience life at all,” she said.
Other Democrat leaders agreed with Harris’ comments, with Cory Booker claiming that he loves children as well as your “God-given right to kill them.” “It’s like, this is our Spartacus moment,” he said. “This is our moon shot: are we going to let their adorable little faces stop us from ending their lives? Are the women of this nation going to give up their right to kill babies just because they’re a human life? I think we can do better. I think we can do it.”
“I am Spartacus! I am Spartacus!” he added for some reason.
At publishing time, Democrat legislators had clarified that universal healthcare, climate change action, and raising taxes on the wealthy are also more precious than the face of a newborn baby.
U.S.—After a recently elected democratic socialist politician suddenly began using authoritarian, elitist-sounding language mere weeks after getting her first whiff of power, every single person in the country who’s never read a history book expressed their shock and surprise at the sudden transformation.
The woman, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, tweeted “We’re in charge” in the context of a proposed sweeping government takeover of the economy, saying her critics who haven’t proposed an alternative were “shouting from the cheap seats.” She also declared “I’m the boss, how about that?” in a recent video interview. The statements shocked certain groups of people across the country, namely, those who haven’t been in the same room as a history book anytime in the past few decades.
“Wow, a socialist who was elected on her promises to work ‘for the people’ is suddenly telling everyone she’s in charge and they have to listen to her? That’s really weird,” said one man in Portland who dropped his world history class in high school. “I would have thought socialists never suddenly transform into power-hungry maniacs as soon as they get their first high from telling people what to do.”
“It’s just, I’ve never heard of that happening in the past, say, 100 years or so,” he added before he had to return to his Starbucks shift, wrapping his work apron around his hammer and sickle T-shirt.
Another thing shared in common by those who were surprised by this development is never having read Animal Farm by George Orwell, sources confirmed at publishing time.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Earlier this week, the Democrats went to serve notice to the nation that they’re ready to take Trump down. In their warning shot, a tiny, extremely fuel-efficient car pulled up in front of the Capitol Building. Out of that car emerged a seemingly endless stream of 2020 presidential candidates.
RICHMOND, VA—Virginia Democrats are breathing a sigh of relief, as the Jussie Smollett hoax has taken the media’s eye off of their political trainwreck, sources confirmed today.
Both Governor Ralph Northam and the state’s attorney general had drawn ire for racist photographs and blackface, while Lieutenant Governor Justin Fairfax has been facing a number of sexual assault scandals. The governor had also caused controversy with statements that appeared to support infanticide.
BURLINGTON, VT—On Wednesday the Bernie Sanders campaign was disappointed to learn that the nearly $6 million in campaign contributions was donated in Bolivars—Venezuelan currency. When converted to US dollars, the Sanders campaign actually only raised $22 US dollars.
CHICAGO, IL—In his first public statement since being arrested for filing a false police report, Empire actor Jussie Smollett claimed he was persuaded to make up the attack on himself by a small blue creature from outer space.
Equality in America is a huge problem. I’m not talking about equality of opportunity: I’m talking about the kind of equality that comes when everyone who makes more money than I do pays their fair share, being brought down to my level by the blind justice of the government.
U.S.—The youth vote is seen as key to a Democratic victory in 2020, but so far most of the announced candidates have not excited young people. That’s changed now that the extremely ancient socialist Bernie Sanders has slowly shuffled into the race.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a statement to D.C. police given Tuesday, senator and presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren claimed that two men in colonial outfits accosted her on the street and assaulted her with smallpox-infected blankets.
SAN FRANCISCO – Local white supremacist Claude Burke cancelled plans to commit a hate crime, citing a waning credibility factor.
According to Burke, he didn’t have confidence that the heinous act he was planning to commit would be believable in a time when the left keeps staging fake crimes against themselves for attention.
Claude wrote in a rant on Facebook:
“Why would I waste my time ambushing (((black people))) [sic] when they would all just point fingers at each other wondering who did it rather than fear my superiority?”
Burke blames the Jew/Mormon/Coca-Cola controlled media for providing a platform for Leftist False Flags which has created skepticism towards legitimate acts of domestic terrorism. He states it isn’t even worth the effort when nobody would believe he committed the hate crime because he’s a white supremacist.
“It’s like my targets would get all the credit for my work,” he continued. “And people wouldn’t believe me because I’m white. This is the kind of reverse racism I’ve been talking about all along.”
When asked about his future plans in light of his abrupt hate crime cancellation, Burke stated that ultimately his goal was to still live under National Socialism, so he would still try to find a way to land in prison.
Claude speculated perhaps he could try to get there by selling Meth, because this, at least, would be a believable crime for him to commit.
ATLANTA, GA—While Empire actor Jussie Smollett has been having a tough week so far, there appears to be a silver lining: cable news channel CNN has offered Smollett a job as an investigative reporter and on-air anchor after witnessing his skills at fabricating a story entirely out of thin air.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a statement issued Friday, former president Barack Obama strongly condemned President Trump’s “dangerous” and “concerning” use of unilateral executive action to build a wall along the southern border of the country.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The carbon footprint of the Green New Deal has already reached dangerous levels as congressional staffers have been forced to furiously reprint revisions of the document around the clock since the proposal’s unveiling.
U.S.—Conservatives across the nation have been accused of “pouncing” and “seizing on” weaknesses in liberals’ policy positions for simply reading a list of the things liberals actually believe without changing the content or commenting on it in any way.