Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.

Pelosi: ‘We Have To Knock The Statues Down To Find Out If They’re Racist’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At her weekly press briefing today, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi commented on the removal of statues by protesters, saying, “We have to knock the statues down to find out if they’re racist.”

Elizabeth Warren Declares Herself Warlord Of Eastern Oklahoma Autonomous Zone

EASTERN OKLAHOMA—The Supreme Court decided this week that half of Oklahoma is Native American land. Failed presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren was seen soon after in the newly formed Eastern Oklahoma Autonomous Zone with an authentic tomahawk and bow purchased in a gift shop, declaring herself to be the warlord of the area.

post Omar: ‘We Must Dismantle The Oppressive System That Allowed A Refugee To Get Elected To The Highest Legislative Body In The Land’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a press conference earlier this week, Representative Ilhan Omar called on the nation to dismantle the oppressive, racist system that allowed a Somalian refugee to become a citizen and get elected to the highest legislative body in the land.

Equality For The Elderly: Grampa Simpson Will Now Be Voiced By Joe Biden

U.S.—In an ongoing effort to make sure cartoon characters are only voiced by actors who are exactly like them, Abraham “Grampa” Simpson will now be voiced by Joe Biden in all future episodes of The Simpsons.

‘I Definitely Wouldn’t Have Supported The Holocaust If I Lived In Nazi Germany,’ Says Woman Who Supports Abortion Today

PORTLAND, OR—Local woman Peyton Hill says she definitely would not have supported the Holocaust if she lived in Nazi Germany during the 1930s and 1940s, thinking herself enlightened by the glorious morality of the current year and not susceptible to being deceived as brutish, barbaric humans were in ages past.

Op-Ed: Anyone Who Claims Cancel Culture Is Real Is A Bigot Who Should Lose His Job

There is a blight on this country, and it is right-wingers slandering progressives by claiming that we’re intolerant and unreasonable with this made-up thing they call “cancel culture.” Why would people express such enmity toward the American left, people who are all about compassion and caring for others? Obviously the only explanation is that the …

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Americans Excited To Celebrate Their Liberty While Confined To Their Homes By The Government

U.S.—Americans said they are excited to celebrate Independence Day this year while confined to their homes by government order. “I sure am glad I live in a free country,” said one man in California as he checked his phone to see what the current unilateral mandates by his governor would allow him to do this …

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Controversial Video Shows Trump And Melania Brandishing Guns As Reporters Near White House

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A controversial video went viral Monday showing President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump brandishing guns as a mostly peaceful group of reporters approached the White House. Trump held an AR-15 and Melania waved around a semiautomatic pistol as reporters neared the White House, presumably to ask questions.

Navy SEALs To Be Replaced With Social Workers

U.S.—The Navy SEALs are being disbanded and replaced with a new branch of the military: The United States Social Workers.

Powerful: Protesters Spell Out ‘Love’ With Burning Homes And Businesses

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In a powerful display of their care for love and justice, protesters in Minneapolis burned the word “LOVE” into the city, arranging the inspiring message with homes and businesses set ablaze by their riots.

Twitter Labels Chinese Propaganda ‘Morally True’

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Twitter has rolled out a new warning label and fact-check system to call out tweets that are false, like when President Trump says anything at all.

Nation That Revolted Over Three-Pence Tax On Tea Now ‘Pretty Cool’ With Government Locking Everyone In Their Homes

U.S.—The nation that once revolted over minor taxes on tea and stamps is now “pretty cool” with state and local governments locking everyone in their homes and robbing them of their livelihood indefinitely.

To Save Time, The Babylon Bee Will Now Just Republish Everything Biden Says Verbatim

The Bible tells us to work smarter, not harder. Or, better yet, don’t work at all if you can help it. You can look it up. It’s in the Proverbs somewhere. That’s why we’re announcing today that we will simply be republishing everything Joe Biden says word for word rather than spending a lot of …

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Black Man Votes Republican, Immediately Turns White

SANTEE JUNCTION, MO—At an early voting location this morning, African American citizen Conroy Ferguson turned white after voting Republican. Witnesses also claim he aged about 10 years and become perceivably more stuffy and unpleasant. Upon checking his wallet, Ferguson found his name had also changed to Clinton Hemsley.

Study Finds Anyone Who Makes A Different Decision To Wear A Mask Than You Is A Brainwashed Sheep

WORLD—Scientists, in a groundbreaking research study, have discovered that anyone who makes a different decision on wearing a mask than you is a sheep. Scientists and statisticians were shocked when they ran the numbers through various statistical analyses to arrive at the startling discovery.