Satire

Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.

‘Those Dumb Red-Staters Going To The Beach Deserve To Die,’ Man Tweets From New York Subway Train

NEW YORK, NY—“Those dumb red-staters going to the beach deserve to die!” Dan Robbins tweeted while packed in a subway train in New York City. Robbins was angered by images of people in red states going outside to enjoy themselves even while the virus still killed many Americans daily. There seems to be a partisan …

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Huge Setback For Female Dictators As Kim Jong Un Fails To Die

NORTH KOREA—The world mourned another roadblock to progress this week as it was revealed that North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un was not dead. His sister, Kim Yo Jong, was slated to replace him upon his death, paving the way for murderous female dictators everywhere. https://babylonbee.com/news/huge-setback-for-womens-rights-as-kim-jong-un-fails-to-die/

Google Autocorrecting All Searches For ‘Biden Allegations’ To ‘Kavanaugh Allegations’

This one caught me the first time I read it.  Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me… U.S.—This is a little concerning: if you search Google for “Biden allegations” you’re immediately redirected to a search results page full of results about the accusations made against Brett Kavnaugh during his confirmation process. https://babylonbee.com/news/google-redirecting-searches-for-biden-allegations-to-kavanaugh-allegations/

Governor Unveils Innovative 37-Step Plan To Reopen State Over The Next 10 Years

This sounds like Washington Gov. Insleee’s plan. U.S.—With many Americans eager to get back to work, state governors across the country are responding with their plans for giving everyone permission to be normal human beings again. One state governor is enjoying universal acclaim after unveiling his own innovative plan for getting his state reopened. https://babylonbee.com/news/governor-unveils-innovative-37-step-plan-to-reopen-state-over-the-next-10-years/

Ban On Salons Causes Rise In Botched Back Alley Haircuts

U.S.—As the coronavirus lockdowns continue, all salons have been forced to do the unthinkable and close their doors. Women throughout the nation have gone from concern to panic, wondering when they will be able to return to the salons. https://babylonbee.com/news/ban-on-salons-causes-rise-in-botched-back-alley-haircuts/

Newly Mustachioed Bill De Blasio Unveils Special Red Armbands For Police Enforcing Lockdown

Touché.  NEW YORK, NY—Having let his facial hair grow freely for several weeks, New York Mayor Bill De Blasio held a press conference this morning where he unveiled special red armbands for police enforcing the city’s quarantine on the Jewish community. https://babylonbee.com/news/newly-mustachioed-bill-de-blasio-unveils-new-red-armbands-for-police-enforcing-quarantine/

‘Workers Of The World, Unite!’ Says Man Who Has Never Worked A Day In His Life

PORTLAND, OR—Local man Rayne Skye Meadows is constantly reciting Communist mantras like “Workers of the world, unite!” though he himself is not a worker, never has been, and currently has no plans to be one, ever. https://babylonbee.com/news/workers-of-the-world-unite-cries-man-who-has-never-worked-a-day-in-his-life/

Food Supply Issues Means U.S. Can No Longer Sustain Entire Country Being Morbidly Obese

U.S.—As the shutdown of the entire country starts to affect the food supply chain, with meat processing plants and other businesses closing, there are now signs of a looming crisis. Researchers say that the U.S. may soon no longer have enough food to support the entire country’s being morbidly obese. https://babylonbee.com/news/food-supply-issues-means-us-can-no-longer-sustain-entire-country-being-morbidly-obese/

Scientists Who Didn’t Predict A Single Thing Accurately For Last Two Months Confident They Know What The Weather Is Going To Be Like In 100 Years

There may be a silver lining to our COVID-19 response.  WORLD—Authorities in the scientific community who touted faulty COVID-19 models are “pretty confident” they know what the weather is going to be like in 100 years, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Yes, we were off by a factor of about 1 billion in our predictions for what …

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Latest Computer Model Predicts Between 0 And 12.6 Billion New COVID-19 Deaths By Summer

On the mark!  U.S.—After several embarrassing and widely divergent revisions to the coronavirus projections of infection, hospitalization, and death rate used by government officials around the world to justify shutting down the global economy, experts at John Hopkins have now deployed a state-of-the-art super-scientific computer model and have now determined that between 0 and 12.6 …

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Judge Dismisses Sexual Assault Allegations Against Biden On Grounds That He Is Not A Republican

Another brilliant piece.  WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democratic presumptive presidential nominee Joe Biden was cleared in federal court today of charges that some claimed were based upon credible allegations of sexual assault when the judge quickly realized that Joe Biden was not a Republican. “Well, this looks pretty serious… let’s see who is on—wait a minute. He’s a …

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