Satire

Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.

Amazing New Vegetarian Meat Product Tastes Like Meat To People Who Have Obviously Never Eaten Meat

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Meatless meat was once scoffed at by the public, ridiculed for its flavorlessness and complete lack of similarity to actual meat. But now there is a new product on the market from the innovators at High Horse Inc., a plant-based meat manufacturer with a new meat alternative that tastes exactly like real meat …

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Trump’s Popularity Surges After Nation Learns He May Have Obstructed Congress

U.S.—Democrats unveiled their articles of impeachment against President Trump, but one of the charges seems to have backfired. The suggestion that Trump obstructed Congress turned out to be a far more popular idea than Democrats had predicted. https://babylonbee.com/news/trumps-popularity-rises-after-revelation-he-obstructed-congress/

‘I Am Being Held Hostage By The Squad And Am Impeaching Trump Against My Will,’ Nancy Pelosi Frantically Blinks Out In Morse Code

  WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Nancy Pelosi held a press conference along with other House Democrats to announce that they would be introducing articles of impeachment against President Trump, Pelosi reportedly blinked out a cry for help in morse code. https://babylonbee.com/news/nancy-pelosi-blinks-out-message-in-morse-code-that-shes-being-held-hostage-by-the-squad-and-to-please-send-help/

Report: Jesus, Mary, Joseph Were Actually Detained Under Obama Administration

CLAREMONT, CA—A nativity scene has been gaining much publicity in the media for its depiction of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph getting detained in cages at the border. But media coverage quickly ended when it was revealed that the Holy Family was actually detained under the Obama administration. One investigative journalist looked around the cages and …

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Concerning Study Finds Fewer People Pretending To Be Christian

That is one advantage of living in a post-Christian country.  U.S.—A new study is worrying pastors and other evangelical leaders, as it suggests that fewer and fewer people are pretending to be Christians than ever before. https://babylonbee.com/news/study-finds-fewer-people-pretending-to-be-christian/

World’s High School Dropouts Reveal They’ve Actually Been Protesting Climate Change This Whole Time

WORLD—Teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg is a stunning inspiration to us all. From the moment she bravely took the stage at the U.N. Climate Action Summit to angrily scold everyone for living such extravagant lifestyles, to her stunning and brave photo shoots in her luxurious home and yacht, the world has seen her as a …

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‘Rise Of Skywalker’ To Introduce First Lesbian AT-AT

HOLLYWOOD, CA—During a recent interview with Out And Proud Magazine, Rise of Skywalker director J.J. Abrams hinted that the hotly-anticipated 9th installment of the Star Wars saga would include more clear LGBTQ representation, in the form of a lesbian AT-AT. https://babylonbee.com/news/rise-of-skywalker-to-introduce-first-lesbian-at-at/

Chinese Christians Send Missionaries To Bring Gospel To Unreached America

This doesn’t seem like satire.  U.S.—Chinese missionaries arrived on the shores of California today to bring the gospel to the “most unreached country in the world,” America. https://babylonbee.com/news/chinese-churches-send-missionaries-to-bring-gospel-to-unreached-america/

Bernie Sanders Hastily Adds Right To An Abortion At Any Time To Copy Of The Constitution

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Bernie Sanders tweeted that women have the right to a government-funded abortion at any time, his legal experts informed him that the Constitution actually doesn’t say anything close to that. https://babylonbee.com/news/bernie-sanders-hastily-scribbles-also-women-have-the-right-to-an-abortion-at-any-time-onto-copy-of-the-constitution/

SPLC Adds Die Hard Christmas Movie Denial To List Of Extremist Hate Ideologies

MONTOGOMERY, AL—The Southern Poverty Law Center has added the denial of Die Hard being a Christmas movie to its list of noted hate-filled ideologies such as neo-nazism, white nationalism, and holocaust denial. https://babylonbee.com/news/splc-adds-die-hard-christmas-movie-denial-to-list-of-extremist-hate-ideologies/

Lisa Page To Teach College Course On How To Make Yourself Out To Be A Victim

CAMBRIDGE, MA—After Lisa Page finally spoke out against President Trump, masterfully painting herself as the target of Trump’s oppression and misogyny, Harvard University quickly hired the former FBI lawyer to teach an upper-level course on how to turn yourself into the victim in any situation. https://babylonbee.com/news/harvard-hires-lisa-page/

Nation’s Progressives Give Thanks That They Have So Much To Be Angry About This Year

Too good not to repost.  U.S.—In honor of Thanksgiving week, the nation’s progressives have begun to give thanks that they have so much to be angry and offended about this year. “Thank you, unspecified deity who may or may not exist, for giving us so much stuff to be outraged about,” said Staci Walder, 42, …

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Conservative Slams Liberal Policies He’ll Support Five Years From Now

Truth. I’m not a fan of the party that wants to take us over the cliff at 100mph nor the party that conservatively wants to do it at 55mph.  FORT WORTH, TX—Local conservative man Patrick Porkers thrashed liberals Tuesday for supporting policies that he himself will support in just five years. https://babylonbee.com/news/conservative-slams-liberals-for-supporting-policies-hell-support-five-years-from-now/

Progressives Try New Strategy To Win The Hearts Of Americans: Interrupting College Football

You notice that they didn’t try this at the Alabama/LSU game. People who take their football seriously would have put a world of hurt on them.  U.S.—Progressives are trying a new strategy to win over American hearts and minds after it was found that their outraged antics often turn people off: interrupting college football games. …

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Slavery Is Plantation Care

You would think so, given the way progressives redefine terms.  #MyPlantation #MyChoice A lot of talk has been going around suggesting that slavery is morally wrong, that it’s a horrifying human rights violation that future generations will be greatly ashamed of.  The problem is that critics of safe, legal, and rare slavery aren’t looking at …

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Nation Looking For Right Phrase To Describe Media That Behaves Like Some Kind Of Adversary Of The Populace

Enemy of the People? Satan?  U.S.—As the media continues to gaslight the American people, cover for pedophiles, and retract information when it damages their political allies, the nation is increasingly wishing there were some sort of phrase to describe the kind of behavior befitting of an adversary of the populace. “If only there were a …

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