Satire

Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.

Democrats Propose Mandatory Free Speech Buyback For Dangerous Ideas

U.S.—A number of Democratic candidates have seized on a new initiative to make Americans feel safer: a mandatory buyback. “There are a number of ideas out there that just make people upset when they’re said out loud,” said presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke. “It’s time to take those ideas off the street. That’s why it’s past …

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Planned Parenthood Asks Bernie Sanders To Stop Reminding People About Connection Between Abortion And Population Control

U.S.—After Bernie Sanders made horrific public comments suggesting that abortions could be used to curb the growth of the population in order to combat climate change, Planned Parenthood quickly phoned him up and asked him to stop publicly making a connection between abortion and government population control programs. https://babylonbee.com/news/planned-parenthood-asks-bernie-sanders-to-stop-reminding-people-connection-between-abortion-and-population-control/

CNN’s 7-Hour Climate Change Town Hall Loses In Ratings To ‘Baby Shark’ Being Played 185 Times In A Row

ATLANTA, GA—CNN knew they were taking a risk devoting seven hours to Democratic presidential candidates talking about climate change, but the news channel thought that this issue — getting a Democrat elected — was important enough for the unusual programming decision. However, the special lost hugely in ratings to Nickelodeon, which also made an unusual …

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University Of Kansas Labels ‘My Pleasure’ As Hate Speech

LAWRENCE, KS—The University of Kansas has labeled the phrase “my pleasure” as hate speech after students were triggered during a visit to a campus Chick-fil-A. According to reports, one staff member approached a group of students seventeen times during their half-hour visit, just to check on them.  https://babylonbee.com/news/university-of-kansas-labels-my-pleasure-as-hate-speech/

Experts: It May Be Too Late To Halt Climate Change Town Hall On CNN

U.S.—Experts solemnly warned the nation that it may be too late to stop the 7-hour climate change town hall scheduled to air on CNN tonight. Despite humanity’s best efforts to stall climate change town halls by long-winded, self-important politicians, the event appears to be rapidly approaching. No one has been able to come up with …

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Socialists Gather On Labor Day To Protest Concept Of Labor

U.S.—The Democratic Socialists of America organized hundreds of large-scale protests across the country on Labor Day this year, with socialists all over the nation gathering to protest the concept of organized work, labor in general, and lifting a finger to do anything. Socialist demonstrators expressed concerns that the holiday could encourage more people to get a …

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Facts, Logic Banned From Next Democratic Debate For Being Tools Of The Alt-Right

U.S.—Now that the ten candidates have been finalized for the next Democratic presidential debate, the ground rules for the debate are being decided. One early rule is to ban all use of facts and logic from the debate, as they’ve increasingly been a tool of far-right extremists and have fallen out of favor with the …

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MSNBC Admits They Make Up All Stories About Trump Using Book Of Mad Libs

NEW YORK, NY—After Lawrence O’Donnell admitted to publishing a sensational, world-altering, but also totally fake story about Trump’s finances and Russia, MSNBC confessed that it simply makes up all its reports about Trump using the patented Mad Libs system of making up random words and sticking them in blanks in pre-written sentences. https://babylonbee.com/news/msnbc-admits-they-make-up-all-stories-about-trump-using-mad-libs-book/

Scientists: Climate Change Killed Us Years Ago And The Trump Presidency Is Some Sort Of ‘Lost’ Final Season Situation

Prove them wrong!  U.S.—There have been a number of dire warnings about climate change, with some saying we have only a decade to fix things. Others say we have only months. But now climate scientists have revealed the worst news of all: Climate change killed us years ago, and the Trump presidency is some purgatory-like …

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Ben & Jerry’s Unveils New Antifa-Inspired Flavors

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT—Ben & Jerry’s has long been known for the ice cream company’s political activism, introducing flavors that support many progressive causes. https://babylonbee.com/news/ben–jerrys-unveils-new-antifa-flavors/

Ocasio-Cortez Proposes Counting White People’s Ballots As Three-Fifths Of A Vote

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez came out hard against the Electoral College, slamming the institution as a racist scam that makes white people’s votes count for “like, a lot more” than other people’s votes. https://babylonbee.com/news/ocasio-cortez-proposes-counting-white-peoples-ballots-as-35-of-a-vote/

Biden Vows To Personally Provide Healthcare To Every Woman In The Nation

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a campaign rally Friday, Democratic candidate Joe Biden unveiled his bold healthcare proposal, a plan that would allow Joe Biden to personally provide healthcare for every woman in the nation. https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-announces-plan-to-personally-offer-healthcare-to-every-woman-in-the-nation/

Obamas Promise To Spread Their Wealth Around New $15 Million Estate

MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA—According to reports, former President and First Lady Barack and Michelle Obama have purchased a $15 million dollar home sitting atop 29 acres of land on Martha’s Vineyard, where they look forward to spreading their wealth around.

Horrified Trump Learns What Happened To Last Guy Who Called Himself King Of The Jews

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After President Trump touted himself as the “King of Israel” and the “second coming of God,” he was feeling pretty good about himself, now pretty much being confirmed as the rightful president of both America and Israel. https://babylonbee.com/news/horrified-trump-learns-what-happened-to-last-guy-who-called-himself-king-of-the-jews/

Tlaib And Omar Try To Sneak Into Israel Stacked On Top Of Each Other Inside A Trenchcoat

TEL AVIV—Representatives Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib were denied entry into Israel, but that wasn’t going to stop these two clever women from visiting the country they hate so much. So they hatched a plan, and it almost worked. https://babylonbee.com/news/tlaib-and-omar-try-to-sneak-into-israel-sitting-on-each-others-shoulders-and-wearing-a-trenchcoat/

Trump’s Loyalty To Republican Values Questioned After He Actually Does Something To Defund Planned Parenthood

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Republicans are often calling Trump’s loyalty to their party values into question, claiming Trump seems to have become a Republican out of convenience after being a Democrat for many years.  https://babylonbee.com/news/republicans-question-trumps-loyalty-to-party-values-after-he-actually-does-something-to-help-defund-planned-parenthood/

Portland Police: ‘We Wish There Were Some Kind Of Organized, Armed Force That Could Fight Back Against Antifa’

PORTLAND, OR—In a press release earlier this week, Portland police chief Danielle Outlaw (her actual name), appearing somber and exhausted, said she just wishes there were some kind of group with the firepower and authority to fight back against Antifa. In a candid moment, Outlaw (seriously, her actual name) said there was just nothing the police could …

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