New York Times Apologizes For Offending ‘Passover Worshipers’

12439506157812141978The Babylon Bee is on point! 

I wonder what the New York Jewish community thinks about all this. 

NEW YORK, NY—The New York Times has issued a heartfelt apology after the international edition of the newspaper published a cartoon that offended many “Passover worshipers.”

“We are so sorry for any offense this cartoon cause to Passover worshipers,” the paper wrote in its third attempted apology. “The tiny hat guys are upset, and we get it. The cartoon contained a lot of racist stereotypes and propaganda-like caricatures of the dreidel people. We should have had a more careful review process, so we wouldn’t cause offense to the fiddlers on the roof.”

“It was a small editorial oversight. We will strive not to offend Passover worshipers going forward,” the apology concluded.

The paper also committed to hiring consultants from among the “tiny hat guys” who could tell them if they were publishing a cartoon that looks like it could have been published in Germany in the 1930s. “The people with the funny 8-candle thing will help us to better understand anti-semitism and what, if any, bad effects it’s had in the past.

The very next day, over 27 racist cartoons were published, forcing dozens more pseudo-apologies, apology retractions, and subsequent more sincere apologies to offended Passover worshipers.

Biden Vows To Return Nation To Era When Press Didn’t Bother Reporting On President’s Scandals


That’s what having a Democrat in the White House will do for you. 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaking on The View, presidential candidate Joe Biden promised to bring the nation back to an era when the media pretended the president didn’t have any scandals.

Modern-Day MLK Jr. Has Dream That One Day Everybody Will Be Judged By The Color Of Their Skin

8602560084480346788For the modern liberal, everything is skin deep. 

BERKELEY, CA—Local college student Zax Lindell is being heralded as “the next Martin Luther King, Jr.” after he announced that he has a dream that one day everyone will be judged by the color of their skin.

The liberal student activist announced that he wants all people to be able to come together and judge each other solely by skin color, utilizing the complicated matrices and point system of intersectionality. 

“It’s a radical idea, but one I hope our nation can soon realize,” Lindell said. “One day, everyone in this nation will simply look at a white person and know immediately they’re part of the problem. They can also look at a minority and realize that person is righteous because they are oppressed by systems of whiteness.”

“I have a dream that one day we will live in a nation where we will not be judged by the content of our character, but whether we’re evil white men or innocent, oppressed minorities,” he said as a crowd of his classmates began to gather and cheer him on. “I have a dream that one day every oppressed minority status will be exalted, every white person will be made low, and every straight person will be made gay, and the glory of Marxist systems of social justice shall be revealed, and we shall all see it together!”

“Except for white people, of course!” he shouted over the thunderous applause of the crowd.

Infographic: Guide To Alternative Names For World Religions

Article 4089 art5cc0d59a4c228This. Is. Great. 

You can’t be too careful out there nowadays. It’s really easy to call a religious person an offensive name. 

No one knows this better than the press. The mainstream media is very sensitive to different religions. They may be the very best experts in the field of religiony stuff. That’s why they were careful to refer to Christians as “Easter worshipers” lately. You might not have ever heard that term used before, but that’s because you don’t know as much about religions as the media does. 

They’re pros.

We want to help you out. So we whipped up this handy guide to alternative, less offensive, but still 100% accurate terms to describe adherents to each of the major world religions. Enjoy, and let us know how it goes.

Elizabeth Warren Proposes Replacing Government-Created Problem With New, Bigger Government-Created Problem

12407158534146533793This is not satire. 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold initiative announced as part of her campaign for president, Elizabeth Warren has identified a large, government-created problem and has announced a new, bloated plan to create an even larger, government-created problem.

“The government’s meddling and interference has inflated prices and saddled our young people with debt,” Warren announced to a crowd of supporters, “but with even more interference, I can inflate prices even more and eventually build up an unimaginable debt shared by all American people.”

Warren has announced a number of new taxes that could have a punitive effect on the economy but definitely won’t cover the costs of her proposal. Her hope is that by pumping more and more money into the problem, she can make it larger and larger, costing more and more while providing less and less value, until it’s a new entitlement dominating a large percentage of government spending and further accelerating the national debt.

“This makes me hopeful for the future,” said Elizabeth Warren supporter Lindsay Porter. “By the time my daughter is grown up, the problem will be so large that it will be a dominant issue for her to campaign on and try to fix. But if she’s anything like Elizabeth Warren, she’ll find a way to make the problem so large it will simply be unimaginable to people today.”

Elizabeth Warren Promises To Repay Debts Of Everyone Who Bought A PlayStation 4 On Their Best Buy Credit Card

8297288705352112800Not much difference between buying votes with Best Buy debt and college debt. 

U.S.—Addressing audience questions at a CNN town hall Monday evening, presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren promised to repay the debts of everyone who bought a PlayStation 4 on their Best Buy credit card.

To Show Respect For Sri Lanka Victims, Democrats Vow Not To Mention Their Religion At All


More satire? 

U.S.—In order to show respect for the victims of horrific attacks in Sri Lanka over the weekend, several top Democrats have vowed not to mention their religion at all.

“The best way we can show reverence for these victims,” former president Barack Obama said, “is to be very careful not to mention that they were Ch—I mean, not to mention their religion. Oops, almost used the C-word there.”

“If we need to construct strained descriptors for them, that’s what we’ll do,” he added solemnly. “We’ll make up contrived terms like ‘Easter worshipers’ and make sure that all our fellow Democrats follow these protocols.”

Failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton agreed, pointing out that it would simply be disrespectful to point out that these Christians were being targeted for their faith.

“Christians being persecuted doesn’t fit in with our narrative. Therefore, it would be inappropriate for us to label them what they were. Instead, we’ll make up really odd-sounding phrases and do verbal backflips to avoid saying the name of their religion.”

“Besides, what difference, at this point, does it make?” she said.

Bad Luck: Pope Francis Had Just Transferred All Records On Sex Abuse Scandal To Notre Dame For Safekeeping


PARIS—Well, seems there was a bit of bad luck in the Notre Dame fire last week. While most of the relics, artwork, and idols were saved, one thing didn’t survive: all the Catholic Church’s meticulous records on its ongoing sex abuse scandals.

CNN: ‘God Allowed The Mueller Report To Test Our Unshakable Faith In Collusion’


ATLANTA, GA—Anchors at CNN headquarters have made a bold statement of unwavering faith after the Mueller Report revealed no actual evidence that Trump colluded with Russia. “We believe in collusion with all our hearts and will never let the world’s teachings get in the way of that,” said Jim Acosta while mumbling mantras quietly in a room misty with burning incense.

Weird: Everyone Who Attended Bernie Sanders’ Town Hall Has Reported Their Wallet Missing


More non-satire satire. 

NEW YORK, NY—Well, this is more than a little odd.

Every single attendee of Bernie Sanders’ town hall meeting on Fox News earlier this week has reported that their wallet has mysteriously gone missing.

“I know I had my wallet in my pocket, but after meeting Bernie Sanders, shaking his hand, and thanking him for everything he’s doing for the country, I noticed my wallet was missing,” said one woman from Brooklyn. “I noticed it on the way to the car. Really strange.”

She wasn’t the only one: every single attendee only later realized that their wallets were missing. Some women said their purses had apparently been rifled through, with the perpetrator taking every coin and dollar bill, as well as several breath mints and a comb.

Whoever did the stealing was crafty. The suspect left a note in each person’s pocket or purse saying “Thank you for your willingness to help your fellow man.”

After reviewing security footage, police are looking for an elderly man with white tufts of hair protruding from his head and “crazy eyes.”

Op-Ed: It’s Been A Few Months; Is It Time For A New War In The Middle East?

16024773928950074527Not much satire here. 

What’s been in the news lately? We had the tumultuous midterm elections, the wild Mueller investigation and that whole shindig, and whatever Trump last said on camera. Can people even remember what our last conflict in the Middle East was? Yemen, I think. But that was months ago, so I think it’s time for another war in the Middle East.