New School Program Raises Awareness Of Things Kids Didn’t Know They Were Supposed To Be Offended About

14682323777854685603Those kids need to be woke! 

U.S.—The Federal Government is rolling out a new school program that will help to raise awareness in kids about what they need to be so upset about. The new program, “W.O.K.E.” (Woke and Offended Kids Education) will help to bridge the gap widening between millennial parents’ desire to be offended by just about everything and the current generation wondering what got their parents’ underpants in such a bunch.

https://babylonbee.com/news/new-school-program-raises-awareness-of-things-kids-didnt-know-were-supposed-to-be-offended-about/

YouTube Pulls All ‘Seinfeld’ Clips Featuring The Soup Nazi

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SAN BRUNO, CA—Continuing their ongoing efforts to rid their platform of hate speech, content managers at YouTube have decided to remove all videos featuring or referencing “The Soup Nazi,” a character from the ’90s sitcom Seinfeld.

“The Soup Nazi” was introduced in an episode by the same name during the show’s seventh season on NBC. Played by actor Larry Thomas, the character, Yev Kassem, is dubbed “The Soup Nazi” because of his strict rules and regulations for those ordering from his soup stand.

“Hate speech comes in all different forms,” said YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki. “What might be a comical character to some, can be interpreted and used as malicious hate mongering by others. Restaurant owners and soup producers, in particular, could be deeply hurt and offended by this content.”

The show’s co-creator and star, Jerry Seinfeld, agrees with YouTube’s decision. “Comedy always involves risk, and as writers, we live on the edge of offense,” said Seinfeld. “However, in this particular instance, we have to admit we’ve crossed the line, and created something that could make our world a worse place to live, which, of course, is the opposite of what we’re trying to do.”

While fans of the show protested the removal, YouTube is standing by its “Soup Nazi” ban, shouting sharply, “No videos for you!”

https://babylonbee.com/news/youtube-pulls-all-seinfeld-clips-featuring-the-soup-nazi/

Progressive Mom Proudly Declares Son To Be Transgender After He Walks Through Barbie Aisle

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It only takes one glance…

PORTLAND, OR—Young mother Olivia McKinley declared her three-year-old son Kale to be transgendered after he took a brief walk through the Barbie aisle while in the toy section at Target on Monday. She could be heard shrieking, “My son is trans! I accept you, my beautiful, brave trans girl. I do not judge you! I love you just the way you are!” Her mouth was just inches from the boy’s face as she embraced him tightly, though he tried to squirm free.

https://babylonbee.com/news/proud-mom-declares-son-to-be-transgender-after-he-briefly-walks-through-barbie-aisle/

Bernie Sanders Vows To Fight For $15 Maximum Wage

1761580824656730533If we’re wanting to be socialist, then everyone earns the same, right? 

HARTFORD, CT—At a rally over the weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders promised to fight for a nation where no one can earn over $15 an hour.

“We live in a land where people can slave away and earn a lot of money,” he said, flapping his arms about, his fingers flopping around like sausages. “The only fair thing to do is to enact a maximum wage. Every penny beyond $15 an hour will be taken away and given to our benefactors in the federal government, where it will be put to much better use.”

“Besides, once my economic policies are enacted, no one will be able to make more than about $15 anyway.”

“What could you peons possibly do with more money than that?” he said, his eyes twitching as though he’d been hit with nerve gas. “In Venezeula, for instance, all wages are equal at $0.”

At publishing time, Sanders had confirmed that lucrative book deals wouldn’t count toward the maximum wage limit.

https://babylonbee.com/news/bernie-sanders-vows-to-fight-for-15-maximum-wage/

Vox Calls For Dictionary.com To Take Down Definitions Of Words They Don’t Like

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NEW YORK, NY—Carlos Maza, a video journalist who works for Vox has been calling out Dictionary.com for posting definitions of words that are “very upsetting.”  “I’ve informed Dictionary.com of the many definitions I find abusive and problematic. They have done nothing. I don’t know what else to say. They obviously support murder, racism, and other troubling words.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/vox-calls-for-dictionarycom-to-take-down-offensive-definitions-of-words-they-dont-like/

Modern D-Day Warriors Storm Washington To Demand Free Stuff From Government

3963064927743095714Seriously? Is this even satire? 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a daring mission against all odds, brave modern D-Day warriors landed on the shores of the Potomac in an early morning raid to demand a living from the government.

Their leader, General Bernie Sanders, gave an inspiring speech late last night as the courageous freedom fighters prepared to embark on their mission:

“Millennials, protesters, and complainers of the American Monetary Redistribution Force:

You are about to embark upon the Greed Crusade, about which we have angrily tweeted about for many months.

The eyes of the lazy are upon you. The hopes and prayers to a non-specific deity of greedy people who want the government to tax others to provide them with a living everywhere march with you.

In company with our brave allies in places like Venezuela and North Koreayou will bring about the destruction of the oppressive capitalist regime, the elimination of economic tyranny over oppressed peoples of America, and free money and stuff for us.

I have full confidence in your courage, devotion to Marxist principles, and skill in tweeting and complaining. We will accept nothing less than full basic income for everyone.

Good Luck! And let us all beseech the blessing of whichever imaginary deity each of you prays to upon this great and noble redistribution of wealth.”

The group was loaded in rickety rafts provided by their allies in Cuba and quietly passed over the Potomac River early in the morning, approaching the shores of Washington, D.C. under heavy Twitter fire. They managed to establish a beachhead quickly as others saw their multi-colored hair and man-scarves and concluded they weren’t a threat. The brave warriors pushed forward to take key strongholds throughout the city, and their victory seemed nigh.

Unfortunately, the group passed by a Panera Bread and stopped for avocado toast, derailing the invasion.

https://babylonbee.com/news/modern-d-day-warriors-storm-washington-dc-to-demand-free-stuff-from-government/

Illinois Welcome Signs Updated To Read ‘Land Where You Can Decapitate An Infant With Impunity’

11943177084536330912Is this satire? I cannot tell. 

ILLINOIS—Multiple sources confirmed Tuesday that all the signs welcoming visitors to the state of Illinois have been updated to read “Land Where You Can Decapitate An Infant With Impunity.”

The signs used to display the traditional state slogan, “Land of Lincoln.” But since the state is now on the cusp of allowing abortions all the way up until and through the moment of birth, including the barbaric practice of infant decapitation, state officials said the new slogan is much more fitting.

“Lincoln probably wouldn’t have been cool with something like this, just like most of humanity except the most pagan of societies in the history of mankind,” said Governor J. B. Pritzker. “So we’re taking his name off our signs and adding the bit about decapitating infants, which is much more in line with our modern values.”

“To all those desperate mothers who live in backward states that don’t allow this practice, we want to send a message and say your murderous instincts are welcome here.”

Workers are also going to update the signs periodically with a running tally of how many brutal abortions the state has performed since the bill was signed into law.

https://babylonbee.com/news/illinois-welcome-signs-updated-to-read-land-where-you-can-decapitate-an-infant-with-impunity/

Left Vows To Topple Patriarchy By Allowing Biological Males To Dominate Women’s Sports

911471665780490152Is this even satire? 

U.S.—Declaring that “the future is female” and that they would “no longer bow to toxic male faux-dominance,” Americans on the left of the political spectrum solemnly vowed Saturday to topple the Patriarchy once and for all by allowing biological males to dominate all women’s sports.

“The Patriarchy needs to be smashed, women need to be empowered, and men who identify as women need to be active in women’s contact sports!” one Portland LGBT activist told reporters. “Once every single female sport in America is utterly dominated by biological males who identify as women, the criminal hierarchy of men utterly dominating all aspects of life will be broken—this is not hard!”

“Not allowing men who identify as women to participate in women’s sports is patriarchal oppression, and probably transphobic, or maybe sexist, we think?” she added sternly.

Questioned about CeCe Telfer—formerly Craig Telfer—the biologically male NCAA runner who went from a ranking of 390th to becoming national champion in one year after identifying as transgender and switching from competing against men to competing against women, the activist said “what CeCe has done is affirming and marvelous.”

“Crushing the hopes and dreams of females who’ve trained their whole lives only to be suddenly forced to compete against physically superior biological males is the perfect way to uplift women.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/left-vows-to-topple-patriarchy-by-allowing-biological-males-to-dominate-womens-sports/

Disney CEO: ‘To Avoid Filming Among Depraved, Immoral People, We Are Moving All Our Georgia Operations Back To Hollywood’

2840093113580063913We certainly wouldn’t want to film where there are depraved people…

BURBANK, CA—Disney’s CEO, Bob Iger, has come out swinging against Georgia’s restrictive abortion laws. He says that he may need to move filming locations out of state to avoid immoral, perverted, depraved people like Georgians. Instead, he says all film projects planned for Georgia will be moved back to Hollywood.

“To avoid filming among depraved, immoral people, we are moving all our Georgia operations back to Hollywood,” he said in a press conference, wagging his finger sternly. “The people of Georgia can’t pass immoral, unjust laws like this and expect us righteous elites in Hollywood to stand by and let it happen. Morality is very important to us in the film industry. That’s why we film a lot of our stuff here in Hollywood, where we can rest easy knowing that the money from our production is going to support moral, upright people.”

“It’s the right thing to do,” he added.

Iger also pointed out that California’s lax abortion laws come in handy in Hollywood quite often.

https://babylonbee.com/news/disney-to-transfer-all-filming-operations-from-georgia-to-much-more-moral-hollywood/