Joe Biden Seen Sniffing Cardboard Cutout Fans At Baseball Game

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Yesterday, aides went down into the basement to check on Joe Biden, deliver him a protein shake, and bring him a special surprise: season 3 of Matlock on VHS. They were horrified to find he had escaped, having left only a cryptic note reading “I’M BEING HELD HOSTAGE AND THEY’RE MAKING ME RUN FOR PRESIDENT AGAINST MY WILL PLEASE SEND HELP.”

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