Satire

Brutal.  ARIZONA—Overwhelmed with his workload having to separate countless children from their parents day in and day out, Border Patrol agent Dave Martinson called up Planned Parenthood’s main office Friday to see if they could offer any helpful tips on how to separate children from their mothers.

Any of them would do.  WASHINGTON, D.C.—Addressing the nation, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez warned her fellow Americans that she has an extensive list of failed socialist policies she’ll implement one at a time.

Why not!  STAMFORD, CT—The pro wrestling world was rocked last week when a new challenger arrived on the WWE circuit weighing in at 890 pounds, possessing 10-inch claws, and the strength to crush bones into gelatin. “He calls himself ‘the Grizzly’ and he is unlike any other wrestler anyone in the WWE has ever come

ROTFL!!! Well, this is odd. Google’s self-driving cars all seem to be veering hard to the left for some reason.  The driverless vehicles also refuse to make any right turns at intersections, emitting a blaring “BIGOT ALERT” error should they attempt such a maneuver. The cars will take hour-long detours just to avoid any appearance

Again, satire too close to reality to tell the difference.  LOS FELIZ, CA—Local woman Sarah Harper declared Friday that her healthcare is none of your business or the government’s business, though she wants the government to take more of your money to pay for it.

I know that this is supposed to be satire, but… WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid deliberations on the Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act, which was somehow seen as controversial, Democrat leaders reaffirmed their belief that newborn babies are precious gifts, nearly as precious as the right to kill them. “Don’t get us wrong, we believe newborn babies are very precious,”

U.S.—Liberals across the country are pinning all their hopes and wildest dreams on the testimony of a lone, sleazy attorney, sources confirmed Wednesday.

More “satire” that’s simply too real.  U.S.—After a recently elected democratic socialist politician suddenly began using authoritarian, elitist-sounding language mere weeks after getting her first whiff of power, every single person in the country who’s never read a history book expressed their shock and surprise at the sudden transformation. The woman, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, tweeted “We’re

Is it a baby yet, while emerging from the birth canal?  What about it still has one foot in… The Dems are not stupid. They know that if they admit that the baby is a baby at any point before the umbilical cord is cut, their arguments are sunk.  So they must embrace the fact

So true!  WASHINGTON, D.C.—Earlier this week, the Democrats went to serve notice to the nation that they’re ready to take Trump down. In their warning shot, a tiny, extremely fuel-efficient car pulled up in front of the Capitol Building. Out of that car emerged a seemingly endless stream of 2020 presidential candidates.

U.S.—The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief Monday while watching footage in which Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez appeared to come out against the concept of reproducing.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In an apparent technical error, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was inadvertently featured on the “In Memoriam” reel at the Academy Awards for the third year running.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—At the 91st Academy Awards this evening, elite celebrities flanked by bodyguards, security, metal detectors, and physical barriers like walls and fences banded together to condemn borders and walls. The celebrities made direct attacks on the concept of a wall as a means to provide security and protection, all while surrounded by high-tech security

HOLLYWOOD, CA—According to sources at the 91st annual Academy Awards ceremony this evening, the nation’s wealthy, privileged elite gathered to lecture the nation on the horrendous evils of wealth and privilege. The wealthiest 0.00001% of the nation arrived at the exclusive, walled-off, high-security event in limos and luxury cars driven by servants in order to

So true!  HOLLYWOOD, CA—A report coming out of Hollywood this afternoon revealed that a 4-hour-long political lecture scheduled for Sunday will be disguised as an awards show in order to drum up interest.

Starbucks is sure not going to want wealthy whites “woke” to this fact.  SEATTLE, WA—The coffee monolith Starbucks is introducing a brand new drink that promises to begin the hard work of ending racism in America. The new “White Privilege Latte” will cost $50 a cup and taste like pure hatred, bigotry, and regret. “This

That they do.  RICHMOND, VA—Virginia Democrats are breathing a sigh of relief, as the Jussie Smollett hoax has taken the media’s eye off of their political trainwreck, sources confirmed today. Both Governor Ralph Northam and the state’s attorney general had drawn ire for racist photographs and blackface, while Lieutenant Governor Justin Fairfax has been facing

ROTFL!!! BURLINGTON, VT—On Wednesday the Bernie Sanders campaign was disappointed to learn that the nearly $6 million in campaign contributions was donated in Bolivars—Venezuelan currency.  When converted to US dollars, the Sanders campaign actually only raised $22 US dollars.  

CHICAGO, IL—In his first public statement since being arrested for filing a false police report, Empire actor Jussie Smollett claimed he was persuaded to make up the attack on himself by a small blue creature from outer space.

Equality in America is a huge problem. I’m not talking about equality of opportunity: I’m talking about the kind of equality that comes when everyone who makes more money than I do pays their fair share, being brought down to my level by the blind justice of the government.