Satire

Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.

United Methodist Church Throws ‘Going Out Of Orthodoxy’ Sale

U.S.—According to sources, every United Methodist congregation in America joined together to hold a nationwide “going out of orthodoxy” blowout sale on the churches’ lawns this past weekend. The sale provided the churches with an opportunity to rid themselves of dusty, unused orthodox beliefs that had been lying around the buildings collecting dust for several …

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Mainline Protestantism Declared A Safe Space For Those Offended By The Gospel

Head to the failing mainline churches as your safe space from the gospel.  LOUISVILLE, KY—While some college campuses have established safe spaces where the disenfranchised can avoid the pressures, biases, and judgement of the world, mainline Protestant denominations are taking it one step further. The entire umbrella group has now been designated a safe space for those …

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Target Announces Senior Discount For Anyone Who Self-Identifies As Age 60 Or Older

From the Babylon Bee:  MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Confirming its commitment to celebrating inclusivity, Target announced in a blog post Thursday that it will now grant a 10% senior discount to any person who self-identifies as age 60 or older. It’s yet another bold display of progressive policies for the company, which confirmed it will now extend the …

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Merriam-Webster Updates Definition Of ‘Fascism’ To ‘Anything One Disagrees With’

Via the Babylon Bee:  SPRINGFIELD, MA—Famed purveyor of dictionaries and authority on the English language, Merriam-Webster, announced on their popular website Friday an update to the definition of the word “Fascism,” which now reads “a political philosophy, movement, or regime (as that of the Fasciti), or anyone or anything else, really, that one disagrees with in any …

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Scientists Abandon Search For Bill Nye’s Credibility

From the Babylon Bee:  U.S.—In a rare display of surrender, scientists across the nation have given up their extensive search to prove that Bill Nye “The Science Guy” is a reliable spokesperson for the principles of scientific inquiry. According to sources, researchers threw in the towel after viewing a recent episode of Nye’s new variety …

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Undercover Videos Exposing Animal Cruelty Still OK, California AG Clarifies

Well this is a relief!  Undercover Videos Exposing Animal Cruelty Still OK, California AG Clarifies | The Babylon Bee LOS ANGELES, CA-In the wake of his announcement that he would be charging the creators of the undercover videos that exposed Planned Parenthood’s practice of selling fetal tissue with 15 felonies, California Attorney General Xavier Becerra …

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Miraculous: Clump Of Cells Transforms Into Fully Formed Baby Upon Womb Exit

Satire that’s too close to reality.  Miraculous: Clump Of Cells Transforms Into Fully Formed Baby Upon Womb Exit | The Babylon Bee AKRON, OH-According to witnesses of the miraculous event, an amorphous clump of cells was instantaneously transformed into a beautiful, fully formed human baby the moment it was delivered at Grace Hospital Wednesday afternoon. …

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9 Things You Should Know About The Transgender Bathroom Debate

President Trump on Wednesday rescinded an Obama administration order to all public schools which stated that, in order to comply with federal law, all school policies must be based on “gender identity” and not biological sex. The overturned Obama order directed schools to thoroughly prove students’ gender identity before allowing them access to the opposite …

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New Registry Allows Engaged Same-Sex Couples To Choose Which Christian Florist To Put Out Of Business

New Registry Allows Engaged Same-Sex Couples To Choose Which Christian Florist To Put Out Of Business | The Babylon Bee U.S.-A new online wedding registry will allow same-sex couples to choose which Christian florist they plan to sue and permanently put out of business as they celebrate their union. The registry, called ASSIMIL8, provides gay …

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Trump Deports Statue Of Liberty

After living in the United States for over a hundred years, the French-born Statue of Liberty was detained and deported Tuesday by direct order of President Donald Trump, sources confirmed. The deportation of the iconic statue is just the latest development from the immigration order signed by President Trump his second week in office which …

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Police Calm Millennial Protesters By Handing Out Participation Trophies

As anti-Trump rallies nationwide turned hostile with widespread reports of violence, looting, vandalism, and death threats against the president-elect and his supporters, police in numerous major cities were able to instill calm and regain control by handing out participation trophies to all millennial protesters who were enraged about losing the election, sources confirmed. The shrewd …

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Culture In Which All Truth Is Relative Suddenly Concerned About Fake News

Babylon Bee is satire, but this hits really close to home with our post-modern culture.  Sources from within the United States confirmed Tuesday that American society, while typically rejecting concepts like absolute truth and objective moral standards, is suddenly showing grave concern for the rise of fabricated news stories after a reported uptick in fake …

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Donald Trump Proposes Harnessing Liberal Tears To Provide Clean Energy

“People say I’m no good on energy. Wrong. I’m great on energy, the best.” NEW YORK, NY—Hot off the business mogul’s election day victory, Donald Trump is already proposing a plan to provide the nation with clean energy throughout all fifty states. The plan reportedly includes as a key component the harnessing of the nation’s …

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Let’s Cut To The Chase, Evangelicals: Which Exact Lie Can I Tell You To Get You To Vote For Me?

Look, Evangelicals: I’m a businessman—a very, very successful businessman—and I got this way by making the greatest deals the world has ever known. I believe in speaking bluntly, as you know, so let’s cut to the chase: I want to make a deal with you, Evangelical Christians of America. A great deal. My offer is …

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DNC Crowd Erupts As Kermit Gosnell Gives Surprise Speech From Prison

Rumors had been floating around the 2016 Democratic National Convention all week about a “special surprise speaker” set to address the crowd on its final day. That speaker turned out to be Kermit Gosnell, infamous abortion provider and barbaric serial killer of born-alive infants, who was beamed in to speak Thursday from the Huntingdon prison where …

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Nation’s Unborn Collectively Recoil As Hillary Clinton Accepts Nomination

Via The Babylon Bee In a simultaneous mass reaction which caused their millions of mothers to visibly flinch, America’s entire population of unborn babies collectively recoiled in terror at the exact moment Hillary Clinton accepted the Democratic nomination for President of the United States Thursday evening. Sources nationwide reported the occurrence, confirming that leading up to Clinton’s address, …

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Crack In Liberty Bell Seen Worsening As Democratic National Convention Kicks Off

In case you don’t catch it, the use of the phrase below “War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength” * is brilliant. It’s from George Orwell’s novel “1984” and is one of the three slogans of the English Socialist Party (“INGSOC” for short) of Oceania. The goal of INGSOC is to achieve total control …

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