Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.
NEW YORK, NY—“Those dumb red-staters going to the beach deserve to die!” Dan Robbins tweeted while packed in a subway train in New York City. Robbins was angered by images of people in red states going outside to enjoy themselves even while the virus still killed many Americans daily. There seems to be a partisan […]
NORTH KOREA—The world mourned another roadblock to progress this week as it was revealed that North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un was not dead. His sister, Kim Yo Jong, was slated to replace him upon his death, paving the way for murderous female dictators everywhere. https://babylonbee.com/news/huge-setback-for-womens-rights-as-kim-jong-un-fails-to-die/
Huge Setback For Female Dictators As Kim Jong Un Fails To Die Read More »
BEIJING—The Chinese government has laid off its entire propaganda arm, cutting thousands of jobs at China Central Television and other state-run media outlets as the American media is already doing their job for them. https://babylonbee.com/news/chinese-government-lays-off-entire-pr-team-as-american-media-already-doing-same-job/
U.S.—Many states have begun extending their lockdowns permanently in a bid to end traffic deaths for good. https://babylonbee.com/news/lockdown-made-permanent-to-end-traffic-deaths-for-good/
Lockdown Made Permanent To End Traffic Deaths For Good Read More »
U.S.—As Joe Biden seals the Democratic nomination, the Me Too movement has unveiled its new slogan, “Believe Creepy Old Men With Dementia.” https://babylonbee.com/news/believe-women-movement-rebrands-as-believe-creepy-old-men-with-dementia/
‘Believe Women’ Slogan Updated To ‘Believe Creepy Old Men With Dementia’ Read More »
This one caught me the first time I read it. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me… U.S.—This is a little concerning: if you search Google for “Biden allegations” you’re immediately redirected to a search results page full of results about the accusations made against Brett Kavnaugh during his confirmation process. https://babylonbee.com/news/google-redirecting-searches-for-biden-allegations-to-kavanaugh-allegations/
Google Autocorrecting All Searches For ‘Biden Allegations’ To ‘Kavanaugh Allegations’ Read More »
This sounds like Washington Gov. Insleee’s plan. U.S.—With many Americans eager to get back to work, state governors across the country are responding with their plans for giving everyone permission to be normal human beings again. One state governor is enjoying universal acclaim after unveiling his own innovative plan for getting his state reopened. https://babylonbee.com/news/governor-unveils-innovative-37-step-plan-to-reopen-state-over-the-next-10-years/
Governor Unveils Innovative 37-Step Plan To Reopen State Over The Next 10 Years Read More »
U.S.—As the coronavirus lockdowns continue, all salons have been forced to do the unthinkable and close their doors. Women throughout the nation have gone from concern to panic, wondering when they will be able to return to the salons. https://babylonbee.com/news/ban-on-salons-causes-rise-in-botched-back-alley-haircuts/
Ban On Salons Causes Rise In Botched Back Alley Haircuts Read More »
And another touché. Or touchy NEW YORK, NY—During an interview with Mika Brzezinski on MSNBC this morning, Joe Biden denied Tara Reade’s sexual assault allegations against him, whispering his adamant denials into the journalist’s ear. https://babylonbee.com/news/joe-biden-denies-allegations-while-sniffing-reporters-hair/
‘I Have Never Treated A Woman Inappropriately,’ Joe Biden Whispers Into Journalist’s Ear Read More »
Touché. NEW YORK, NY—Having let his facial hair grow freely for several weeks, New York Mayor Bill De Blasio held a press conference this morning where he unveiled special red armbands for police enforcing the city’s quarantine on the Jewish community. https://babylonbee.com/news/newly-mustachioed-bill-de-blasio-unveils-new-red-armbands-for-police-enforcing-quarantine/
PORTLAND, OR—Local man Rayne Skye Meadows is constantly reciting Communist mantras like “Workers of the world, unite!” though he himself is not a worker, never has been, and currently has no plans to be one, ever. https://babylonbee.com/news/workers-of-the-world-unite-cries-man-who-has-never-worked-a-day-in-his-life/
‘Workers Of The World, Unite!’ Says Man Who Has Never Worked A Day In His Life Read More »
U.S.—As the shutdown of the entire country starts to affect the food supply chain, with meat processing plants and other businesses closing, there are now signs of a looming crisis. Researchers say that the U.S. may soon no longer have enough food to support the entire country’s being morbidly obese. https://babylonbee.com/news/food-supply-issues-means-us-can-no-longer-sustain-entire-country-being-morbidly-obese/
Food Supply Issues Means U.S. Can No Longer Sustain Entire Country Being Morbidly Obese Read More »
Wickedly satirical. SACRAMENTO, CA—Governor Gavin Newsom has instructed detention facilities across California to begin releasing violent felons to make room for skateboarders, surfers, and other people who have committed the heinous crime of going outside. https://babylonbee.com/news/california-releases-thousands-of-felons-to-make-room-for-skateboarders/
There may be a silver lining to our COVID-19 response. WORLD—Authorities in the scientific community who touted faulty COVID-19 models are “pretty confident” they know what the weather is going to be like in 100 years, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Yes, we were off by a factor of about 1 billion in our predictions for what
On the mark! U.S.—After several embarrassing and widely divergent revisions to the coronavirus projections of infection, hospitalization, and death rate used by government officials around the world to justify shutting down the global economy, experts at John Hopkins have now deployed a state-of-the-art super-scientific computer model and have now determined that between 0 and 12.6
Latest Computer Model Predicts Between 0 And 12.6 Billion New COVID-19 Deaths By Summer Read More »
Another brilliant piece. WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democratic presumptive presidential nominee Joe Biden was cleared in federal court today of charges that some claimed were based upon credible allegations of sexual assault when the judge quickly realized that Joe Biden was not a Republican. “Well, this looks pretty serious… let’s see who is on—wait a minute. He’s a
Brilliant. ATLANTA, GA—CNN finally devoted prominent primetime airtime to the sexual assault allegations against Joe Biden by Tara Reade, dedicating a full minute of silence to her. Viewers who tuned in would see Anderson Cooper sitting there quietly, staring and saying nothing to the camera for sixty seconds straight. https://babylonbee.com/news/cnn-report-on-tara-reade-a-respectful-minute-of-silence/
CNN Report On Tara Reade A Respectful Minute Of Silence Read More »
This is a must-watch video.
What We Should ALL Be Doing Right Now! ? (ORIGINAL) Read More »
This is rich satire here! U.S.—Former president Barack Obama endorsed Joe Biden for president in a touching, intimate video Tuesday, saying, “Biden has touched us all.” Many were worried Obama wasn’t going to endorse Biden, but he came through for the DNC establishment, telling everyone how deeply and personally Biden has touched everyone he has
Obama: ‘Biden Has Touched Us All’ Read More »
