Satire

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi has unveiled a proposal to simply guess how people were going to vote. https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-unveil-proposal-to-just-guess-what-people-were-going-to-vote/

ATLANTA, GA—CNN has praised Governor Andrew Cuomo’s “brilliant” nursing home strategy as it ended in the deaths of thousands of senior citizens, who skew conservative and Republican. https://babylonbee.com/news/cnn-praises-governor-cuomo-for-killing-off-elderly-trump-voters/

WORLD—Scientists, in a groundbreaking research study, have discovered that anyone who makes a different decision on wearing a mask than you is a sheep. Scientists and statisticians were shocked when they ran the numbers through various statistical analyses to arrive at the startling discovery. https://babylonbee.com/news/study-finds-anyone-who-makes-a-different-decision-to-wear-a-mask-than-you-is-a-sheep/

AUSTIN, TX—Local woman Heather Karenson told her fellow Walmart shoppers Tuesday that she can’t believe some churches and small businesses think it’s safe to go back to church already. https://babylonbee.com/news/im-glad-were-closing-churches-for-public-safety-says-woman-in-line-at-walmart/

U.S.—Following the popular model of Cash4Gold, the U.S. government has started its own unique franchise. Americans will be able to turn in a variety of freedoms and rights in exchange for some quick cash! https://babylonbee.com/news/us-government-opens-cash-4-freedom-franchise/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats promised on Friday that they would provide all Americans with large, warm piles of gently digested cash that they would personally regurgitate into every citizen’s mouth one at a time. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that she would personally be having her jaw hinge loosed so that she could emit larger clumps of

WORLD—Rainforests in the Amazon and elsewhere are almost totally extinct as the U.S. government keeps printing trillions of dollars and foresters can’t keep up with demand. https://babylonbee.com/news/worlds-rainforests-threatened-with-extinction-from-us-government-printing-money/

LANSING, MI—A breaking news report just revealed that there is a dangerous, psychotic, deranged fascist at large at the Michigan state capital and also some peaceful protesters with guns. https://babylonbee.com/news/breaking-bunch-of-psychotic-fascists-gather-at-michigan-capitol-and-also-some-protesters-with-guns/

U.S.—A new poll has been released that shows most Americans are comfortable with staying in lockdown for a while longer. In fact, according to the poll, a full 68% of Americans say the lockdown shouldn’t end until all diseases are eradicated, along with war, hunger, and any form of suffering. https://babylonbee.com/news/68-say-lockdown-shouldnt-end-until-all-diseases-are-eradicated-and-there-is-no-war-hunger-or-suffering/

U.S.—Several Democrat-controlled states have released new Greta Thunberg surveillance drones into the wild to lecture people who go outside. https://babylonbee.com/news/democratic-states-deploy-greta-thunberg-drones-to-lecture-people-who-go-outside/

PORTLAND, OR—A Portland police officer stopped a bank robber mid-crime, catching him just as he emerged from the vault with bags of cash. https://babylonbee.com/news/police-stop-armed-robber-tell-him-to-put-mask-on/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The 17th Coronavirus Aid Relief Act passed by the U.S. Congress today expanded benefits to include a free Netflix subscription for those not working. https://babylonbee.com/news/unemployment-benefits-expanded-to-include-free-netflix-subscription/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The pandemic has been troublesome for many, but one group is celebrating a victory: socialists. https://babylonbee.com/news/socialism-victory-workers-no-longer-being-exploited-thanks-to-high-unemployment/

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Everyone has noticed that Neil Rodgers is appallingly ignorant of the world around him. This is most emphasized in the way he never reacts to current events with complete panic or despair as if he just doesn’t understand how horrible things are. “It’s sad,” said John Reynolds, a coworker. “It’s like he doesn’t

LONDON—Controversial Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore was recently removed from his post, as he clearly did not have the school under control, but the Ministry of Magic has installed a new headmistress: Governor Gretchen Whitmer of Michigan. Whitmer will replace Dumbledore and immediately enact unilateral Educational Decrees to restrict the students’ rights and liberties. “We needed

CACTUS, AZ—Local Christian man Lucas Mercer took a few minutes this morning to praise God that he doesn’t live in one of those Communist countries where the government can just shut the churches down on a whim. https://babylonbee.com/news/american-christian-glad-he-doesnt-live-in-one-of-those-commie-countries/

LANSING, MI—Governor Gretchen Whitmer has deployed a fleet of Imperial probe droids to catch people violating lockdown, sources confirmed Wednesday. https://babylonbee.com/news/governor-whitmer-sends-out-imperial-probe-droids-to-catch-people-violating-lockdown/