Democrats Promise To Chew Up Cash, Tenderly Regurgitate It Into Mouths Of Voters

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats promised on Friday that they would provide all Americans with large, warm piles of gently digested cash that they would personally regurgitate into every citizen’s mouth one at a time. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that she would personally be having her jaw hinge loosed so that she could emit larger clumps of the green mush to be easily dropped into the gaping mouths of hungry constituents.