Satire

Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.

Confirmed: Repeating False Statements Over And Over Magically Makes Them True

Repeat a lie often enough and people believe it!  U.S.—A new study found that repeating a false statement over and over, especially on Twitter or other social media websites, magically makes it true. “It seems that as you say the completely untrue claim over and over again, the laws of morality suddenly begin to alter …

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Joseph Stalin Posthumously Identifies As Strong Woman Of Color To Deflect Criticism Of Socialist Policies

Brilliant!  HELL—In a statement offered to reporters during a 15-minute recess from hell, dictator and mass murderer Joseph Stalin announced he now identifies as a strong woman of color in order to deflect criticism away from his socialist policies that killed millions. “I now identify as a strong woman of color, and a lot of …

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Ex-Cardinal McCarrick Signs On For ‘Predator’ Sequel

Brutal.  Cardinal Theodore McCarrick has reportedly signed on for a role in a sequel to The Predator, a reboot of the classic film franchise.  McCarrick will play the eponymous role of the Predator, a vicious alien who stalks and preys on innocent people for sport. “This guy’s audition was perfect: creepy, disgusting, manipulative—everything we need in a …

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Grizzly Bear Shatters All Pro Wrestling Records After Identifying As Human

Why not!  STAMFORD, CT—The pro wrestling world was rocked last week when a new challenger arrived on the WWE circuit weighing in at 890 pounds, possessing 10-inch claws, and the strength to crush bones into gelatin. “He calls himself ‘the Grizzly’ and he is unlike any other wrestler anyone in the WWE has ever come …

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Weird: All Of Google’s Self-Driving Cars Are Veering To The Left For Some Reason

ROTFL!!! Well, this is odd. Google’s self-driving cars all seem to be veering hard to the left for some reason.  The driverless vehicles also refuse to make any right turns at intersections, emitting a blaring “BIGOT ALERT” error should they attempt such a maneuver. The cars will take hour-long detours just to avoid any appearance …

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Dems: ‘The Only Thing More Precious Than A Newborn Baby Is The Right To Kill It’

I know that this is supposed to be satire, but… WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid deliberations on the Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act, which was somehow seen as controversial, Democrat leaders reaffirmed their belief that newborn babies are precious gifts, nearly as precious as the right to kill them. “Don’t get us wrong, we believe newborn babies are very precious,” …

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Everyone Who’s Never Read A History Book Shocked As Socialist Turns Into Authoritarian At First Whiff Of Power

More “satire” that’s simply too real.  U.S.—After a recently elected democratic socialist politician suddenly began using authoritarian, elitist-sounding language mere weeks after getting her first whiff of power, every single person in the country who’s never read a history book expressed their shock and surprise at the sudden transformation. The woman, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, tweeted “We’re …

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Senate Democrats Accuse Republicans Of Trying To Pin Them Down On Complex Issue Of Infanticide

Is it a baby yet, while emerging from the birth canal?  What about it still has one foot in… The Dems are not stupid. They know that if they admit that the baby is a baby at any point before the umbilical cord is cut, their arguments are sunk.  So they must embrace the fact …

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Endless Parade Of 2020 Democratic Candidates Emerges From Tiny Clown Car

So true!  WASHINGTON, D.C.—Earlier this week, the Democrats went to serve notice to the nation that they’re ready to take Trump down. In their warning shot, a tiny, extremely fuel-efficient car pulled up in front of the Capitol Building. Out of that car emerged a seemingly endless stream of 2020 presidential candidates.

Celebrities Attending Most Secure Event Of The Year Condemn Borders, Walls

HOLLYWOOD, CA—At the 91st Academy Awards this evening, elite celebrities flanked by bodyguards, security, metal detectors, and physical barriers like walls and fences banded together to condemn borders and walls. The celebrities made direct attacks on the concept of a wall as a means to provide security and protection, all while surrounded by high-tech security …

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Nation’s Wealthy, Privileged Gather To Lecture Nation On Evils Of Wealth, Privilege

HOLLYWOOD, CA—According to sources at the 91st annual Academy Awards ceremony this evening, the nation’s wealthy, privileged elite gathered to lecture the nation on the horrendous evils of wealth and privilege. The wealthiest 0.00001% of the nation arrived at the exclusive, walled-off, high-security event in limos and luxury cars driven by servants in order to …

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Virginia Democrats Publicly Thank Jussie Smollett For Taking All The Attention Away From Them

That they do.  RICHMOND, VA—Virginia Democrats are breathing a sigh of relief, as the Jussie Smollett hoax has taken the media’s eye off of their political trainwreck, sources confirmed today. Both Governor Ralph Northam and the state’s attorney general had drawn ire for racist photographs and blackface, while Lieutenant Governor Justin Fairfax has been facing …

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