Satire

Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.

Flash Flood Warnings Issued As Liberal Tears Continue To Soak Nation

Via the Babylon Bee: U.S.—The National Weather Service has issue has issued widespread flash flood warnings across America as liberal tears continue to pour down unabated, increasing in severity after Karen Handel’s victory over Jon Ossoff in the race for Georgia’s 6th Congressional District.   “We advise all citizens to disconnect electrical appliances, bring outdoor …

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Man Identifying As 6-Year-Old Crushes Game-Winning Homer In Tee-Ball Championship

Man Identifying As 6-Year-Old Crushes Game-Winning Homer In Tee-Ball Championship AUBURN, CA-Local 36-year-old man Nate Ripley, who identifies as a six-year-old, “absolutely crushed” a game-winning homer at a local tee-ball game and won the championship for his team Monday evening, reports confirmed. Ripley reportedly walked up to the plate in the bottom of the 6th, …

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Mormon Space Program Launches First Manned Mission To Kolob

Mormon Space Program Launches First Manned Mission To Kolob SALT LAKE CITY, UT-The official space program of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints announced the successful launch of its first manned mission to Kolob Tuesday. In the Mormon belief system, the planet Kolob is the celestial body nearest to the throne of God.

CNN To Launch Real News Spinoff Site

ATLANTA, GA—After years of publishing distorted headlines, slanted news articles, and heavily biased news coverage, media giant CNN announced Friday that it has decided to launch a spinoff site that focuses on real news comprised of objective facts. Dubbed “CNN: Real,” the site is designed to bring the news media empire into the arena of …

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United Methodist Church Throws ‘Going Out Of Orthodoxy’ Sale

U.S.—According to sources, every United Methodist congregation in America joined together to hold a nationwide “going out of orthodoxy” blowout sale on the churches’ lawns this past weekend. The sale provided the churches with an opportunity to rid themselves of dusty, unused orthodox beliefs that had been lying around the buildings collecting dust for several …

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Mainline Protestantism Declared A Safe Space For Those Offended By The Gospel

Head to the failing mainline churches as your safe space from the gospel.  LOUISVILLE, KY—While some college campuses have established safe spaces where the disenfranchised can avoid the pressures, biases, and judgement of the world, mainline Protestant denominations are taking it one step further. The entire umbrella group has now been designated a safe space for those …

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Target Announces Senior Discount For Anyone Who Self-Identifies As Age 60 Or Older

From the Babylon Bee:  MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Confirming its commitment to celebrating inclusivity, Target announced in a blog post Thursday that it will now grant a 10% senior discount to any person who self-identifies as age 60 or older. It’s yet another bold display of progressive policies for the company, which confirmed it will now extend the …

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Merriam-Webster Updates Definition Of ‘Fascism’ To ‘Anything One Disagrees With’

Via the Babylon Bee:  SPRINGFIELD, MA—Famed purveyor of dictionaries and authority on the English language, Merriam-Webster, announced on their popular website Friday an update to the definition of the word “Fascism,” which now reads “a political philosophy, movement, or regime (as that of the Fasciti), or anyone or anything else, really, that one disagrees with in any …

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Scientists Abandon Search For Bill Nye’s Credibility

From the Babylon Bee:  U.S.—In a rare display of surrender, scientists across the nation have given up their extensive search to prove that Bill Nye “The Science Guy” is a reliable spokesperson for the principles of scientific inquiry. According to sources, researchers threw in the towel after viewing a recent episode of Nye’s new variety …

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Undercover Videos Exposing Animal Cruelty Still OK, California AG Clarifies

Well this is a relief!  Undercover Videos Exposing Animal Cruelty Still OK, California AG Clarifies | The Babylon Bee LOS ANGELES, CA-In the wake of his announcement that he would be charging the creators of the undercover videos that exposed Planned Parenthood’s practice of selling fetal tissue with 15 felonies, California Attorney General Xavier Becerra …

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Miraculous: Clump Of Cells Transforms Into Fully Formed Baby Upon Womb Exit

Satire that’s too close to reality.  Miraculous: Clump Of Cells Transforms Into Fully Formed Baby Upon Womb Exit | The Babylon Bee AKRON, OH-According to witnesses of the miraculous event, an amorphous clump of cells was instantaneously transformed into a beautiful, fully formed human baby the moment it was delivered at Grace Hospital Wednesday afternoon. …

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9 Things You Should Know About The Transgender Bathroom Debate

President Trump on Wednesday rescinded an Obama administration order to all public schools which stated that, in order to comply with federal law, all school policies must be based on “gender identity” and not biological sex. The overturned Obama order directed schools to thoroughly prove students’ gender identity before allowing them access to the opposite …

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New Registry Allows Engaged Same-Sex Couples To Choose Which Christian Florist To Put Out Of Business

New Registry Allows Engaged Same-Sex Couples To Choose Which Christian Florist To Put Out Of Business | The Babylon Bee U.S.-A new online wedding registry will allow same-sex couples to choose which Christian florist they plan to sue and permanently put out of business as they celebrate their union. The registry, called ASSIMIL8, provides gay …

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Trump Deports Statue Of Liberty

After living in the United States for over a hundred years, the French-born Statue of Liberty was detained and deported Tuesday by direct order of President Donald Trump, sources confirmed. The deportation of the iconic statue is just the latest development from the immigration order signed by President Trump his second week in office which …

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Police Calm Millennial Protesters By Handing Out Participation Trophies

As anti-Trump rallies nationwide turned hostile with widespread reports of violence, looting, vandalism, and death threats against the president-elect and his supporters, police in numerous major cities were able to instill calm and regain control by handing out participation trophies to all millennial protesters who were enraged about losing the election, sources confirmed. The shrewd …

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