Seriously? Is this even satire?
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a daring mission against all odds, brave modern D-Day warriors landed on the shores of the Potomac in an early morning raid to demand a living from the government.
Their leader, General Bernie Sanders, gave an inspiring speech late last night as the courageous freedom fighters prepared to embark on their mission:
“Millennials, protesters, and complainers of the American Monetary Redistribution Force:
You are about to embark upon the Greed Crusade, about which we have angrily tweeted about for many months.
The eyes of the lazy are upon you. The hopes and prayers to a non-specific deity of greedy people who want the government to tax others to provide them with a living everywhere march with you.
In company with our brave allies in places like Venezuela and North Korea, you will bring about the destruction of the oppressive capitalist regime, the elimination of economic tyranny over oppressed peoples of America, and free money and stuff for us.
I have full confidence in your courage, devotion to Marxist principles, and skill in tweeting and complaining. We will accept nothing less than full basic income for everyone.
Good Luck! And let us all beseech the blessing of whichever imaginary deity each of you prays to upon this great and noble redistribution of wealth.”
The group was loaded in rickety rafts provided by their allies in Cuba and quietly passed over the Potomac River early in the morning, approaching the shores of Washington, D.C. under heavy Twitter fire. They managed to establish a beachhead quickly as others saw their multi-colored hair and man-scarves and concluded they weren’t a threat. The brave warriors pushed forward to take key strongholds throughout the city, and their victory seemed nigh.
Unfortunately, the group passed by a Panera Bread and stopped for avocado toast, derailing the invasion.