Satire

Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.

In Emergency Bill, House Dems Vote To Send More Fake Tears To Address Border Crisis

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an emergency bill rushed to the House floor and passed Wednesday, House Democrats voted to send more fake tears to address the crisis on the southern border. https://babylonbee.com/news/in-emergency-bill-house-dems-vote-to-send-millions-more-fake-tears-to-the-southern-border/

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Democratic Candidates Announce Plan To Simply Dangle Stacks Of Cash In Front Of Potential Voters

U.S.—The 347 Democratic presidential candidates currently running announced Monday their new plan to attract voters to their platforms: simply to dangle stacks of cash over their heads on a fishing line. https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-announce-plan-to-simply-dangle-bags-of-cash-in-front-of-potential-voters/

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Bernie Sanders: ‘We Must Pay Off Student Debt To Stay True To Our Liberal Values Of Not Taking Personal Responsibility For Anything’

Is this even satire any more?  WASHINGTON, D.C.—Bernie Sanders announced he would pay off all $1.6 trillion in student debt if elected president “so that we can stay true to our liberal values of not taking personal responsibility for anything.” “What kind of nation do we want to be?” he asked a crowd gathered around

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San Francisco Installs Giant Toilet Handle To Periodically Flush Entire City

Is this even satire?  SAN FRANCISCO, CA—The mayor of San Francisco, London Breed, proudly announced Monday that she has instructed city sanitation workers to install a giant toilet handle in order to flush the city of feces and urine periodically. Rather than trying to keep up with the rapid accumulation of human waste in city

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Father’s Day Updated To ‘Toxic Masculinity Awareness Day’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a special session called to order Friday, Congress voted unanimously to do a complete overhaul of Father’s Day, renaming the holiday “Toxic Masculinity Awareness Day” and redefining the day’s meaning to encourage citizens to heap shame and disgust on all fathers, current or potential. Americans across the country excitedly prepared to celebrate the

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Nation Spends Day Acknowledging Existence Of Completely Unnecessary Parent

U.S.—While everyone has a mother–a necessity in every family for raising and providing for the children–there is a second type of parent some people have called a “father.” It is unknown what purpose this seemingly vestigial parent provides, but today is a holiday known as Father’s Day, where the existence of fathers is acknowledged even

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John Bolton: ‘When Has The Government Ever Lied About Attacks On Ships In A Gulf Somewhere Just To Provoke War?’

Cuts both ways.  U.S.—After top U.S. officials claimed Iran attacked ships in the Gulf of Oman this week, John Bolton held a press conference where he asked when the government has ever lied about something like this just to start a war. https://babylonbee.com/news/nation-confident-government-would-never-lie-about-attacks-on-ships-in-a-gulf/

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Covert Navy SEAL Team Really Starting To Regret Wearing These Pride Month Uniforms

RAQQA, SYRIA—A Navy SEAL Team recently expressed regret in showing support for Pride Month after their new uniforms gave away their position in a covert operation to infiltrate an ISIS stronghold. Seal Captain James McKeever says they endured heavy gunfire after the little rainbow flags poking up off of their shoulder area drew the enemy’s attention.

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Chick-Fil-A Celebrates Pride Month By Serving Delicious Chicken Sandwiches To Everyone Just Like Every Other Month

Just like every other month… U.S.—Chick-Fil-A restaurants are celebrating the LGBT pride movement all month long by serving delicious chicken sandwiches to everyone without discriminating. https://babylonbee.com/news/chick-fil-a-celebrates-pride-month-by-serving-delicious-chicken-sandwiches-to-everyone-as-usual/

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New School Program Raises Awareness Of Things Kids Didn’t Know They Were Supposed To Be Offended About

Those kids need to be woke!  U.S.—The Federal Government is rolling out a new school program that will help to raise awareness in kids about what they need to be so upset about. The new program, “W.O.K.E.” (Woke and Offended Kids Education) will help to bridge the gap widening between millennial parents’ desire to be offended

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Ocasio-Cortez: ‘Everyone’s Pay Should Be Equal, But My Pay Should Be More Equal Than Others”

All are equal. Some are just more equal… WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaking to reporters after coming out in support of pay raises for herself and her fellow congresspeople, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said she believes everyone’s pay should be equal, but that her and her fellow congresspeople’s pay should be “more equal” than everybody else’s. https://babylonbee.com/news/ocasio-cortez-everyones-pay-should-be-equal-but-congress-pay-should-be-more-equal-than-others/

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YouTube Pulls All ‘Seinfeld’ Clips Featuring The Soup Nazi

SAN BRUNO, CA—Continuing their ongoing efforts to rid their platform of hate speech, content managers at YouTube have decided to remove all videos featuring or referencing “The Soup Nazi,” a character from the ’90s sitcom Seinfeld. “The Soup Nazi” was introduced in an episode by the same name during the show’s seventh season on NBC.

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Progressive Mom Proudly Declares Son To Be Transgender After He Walks Through Barbie Aisle

It only takes one glance… PORTLAND, OR—Young mother Olivia McKinley declared her three-year-old son Kale to be transgendered after he took a brief walk through the Barbie aisle while in the toy section at Target on Monday. She could be heard shrieking, “My son is trans! I accept you, my beautiful, brave trans girl. I do not judge

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Newly Unearthed Propaganda Video From Nazi Germany Shows Woman Calling Holocaust ‘Acceptable Violence’

Progressives won’t get it.  BERLIN—In the basement of an old building near Berlin, Holocaust researchers discovered something incredible: a perfectly preserved Nazi propaganda video. https://babylonbee.com/news/newly-unearthed-propaganda-video-from-nazi-germany-shows-woman-calling-holocaust-acceptable-violence/

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