Satire

Washington, D.C—According to an official press release from the Bernie 2020 campaign, presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders will be raising his staff’s minimum pay to $700 per hour. While some questioned the feasibility of the new plan, the release explained that this can easily be accomplished by laying off everyone except Bernie Sanders. https://babylonbee.com/news/sanders-campaign-raises-pay-to-700-per-hour-by-laying-off-everyone-except-bernie/

ATLANTA, GA—Georgia state rep Erica Thomas took to social media this weekend to express her disgust and outrage at a Chick-fil-A employee’s comments to her in the restaurant’s drive-thru. According to her viral Twitter post, the black state worker claims that after saying thank you for her food, the white cashier pointed his finger at her

Since you cannot yell “man overboard”… SAN DIEGO, CA—While sailing off the La Jolla coast Friday, a man tragically drowned after falling off a boat and being lost at sea. He could have been saved, but the other passengers who witnessed him topple over the railing spent too long debating what to yell to inform

Truth.  U.S.—Many on the left are extremely concerned with the racist behavior of President Trump, especially with recent remarks telling non-white citizens to “go back” where they came from, and are trying to raise the alarm bells about how harmful that behavior is. The problem is, no one seems to be paying them any attention,

HEIGHT privilege, yes straight white males, it’s a thing! It’s time we discussed height privilege and how it disproportionately affects transgender, people of color and fuels rape culture. You see, although there are no physical or biological differences between men and women, because sex and gender are just social constructs pushed by the patriarchy, men

NEW YORK, NY—Planned Parenthood fired Leana Wen this week, stating that the former president had regularly failed to hit her monthly goals in regards to the number of babies killed by the organization. https://babylonbee.com/news/leana-wen-fired-after-failing-to-hit-baby-killing-quota/

HILLSIDE, OR—A lot of Christians are criticized for not being very compassionate to the poor. But you can’t say that about Larry DeManson, a local believer who is so committed to charity for those less fortunate than himself that he always votes for government to steal money from his neighbor and give it to the

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Trump campaign has unveiled its 2020 campaign strategy of airing unedited footage of speeches and press conferences by far-left Democrats like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and that other one. https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-unveils-2020-campaign-strategy-of-just-letting-democrats-speak-freely/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what’s being called a “4D chess move” worthy of the greatest 4D chess grandmasters in the universe, President Trump was able to distract from some seriously questionable tweets by posting even more questionable tweets, sources confirmed over the weekend. https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-distracts-from-previous-racist-tweets-with-new-racist-tweets/

U.S.—After President Trump issued an executive order instructing federal agents to deport all immigrants and descendants of immigrants, the nation turned into to a vast, empty landscape with absolutely nobody in it, sources confirmed Monday. https://babylonbee.com/news/nation-completely-deserted-after-all-descendants-of-immigrants-deported/

U.S.—A number of Democrats have called the recent laws restricting abortion “imposing religion on others” since the basis of the laws is the ultra-religious view that murdering one’s offspring is wrong. Now some are going farther and attacking other laws they see as imposing the Christian religion on society, specifically any having to do with

If he had them, they’d be there!  WASHINGTON, D.C.—Ahead of Trump’s planned July 4 military parade, several dozen Imperial walkers began to arrive in Washington throughout the week. https://babylonbee.com/news/at-ats-begin-arriving-in-capital-for-military-parade/

SWEETWATER, TN—As the Democratic Party ramps up their efforts to take back the White House, leftwing politicians have begun pushing new, progressive initiatives, mostly involving promises of reparations to various minorities.  Democrats are proposing reparations for African-Americans, gay couples, and African-American gay couples, leaving some party leaders desperate to entice even more minority voters with

Also hysterical.  MIAMI, FL—As the sparks were flying Thursday night at the second 2020 Democratic presidential debate, it was Sen. Kamala Harris’ turn to speak. https://babylonbee.com/news/kamala-harris-claimed-americans-dont-want-to-see-a-food-fight-fact-check-false/

Now that’s hysterical.  U.S.—It’s always interesting to take a look at the states from political debates. In this week’s democratic debates, for instance, you can easily compare the amount of time each candidate spent breathing down a woman’s neck. https://babylonbee.com/news/debate-breakdown-which-candidates-spent-the-most-time-breathing-down-a-womans-neck/

Is this even satire?  SACRAMENTO, CA—Calling the measure a “major breakthrough” for the state’s education system, Governor Gavin Newsom signed into law Friday a bill that mandates field trips to gay bars, strip clubs, and abortion clinics for the state’s second graders. https://babylonbee.com/news/california-public-schools-mandate-field-trips-to-gay-bars-for-second-graders/

We can’t have that now. What will we complain about.  WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi agreed to pass $4.6 billion in border funding — the majority going to humanitarian aid — foiling the plans of Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who was trying to keep the children held at the border from getting basic things like

This is a real fear.  MIAMI, FL—A major cave-in occurred after all Democratic candidates scrambled to the far left side of the debate stage Thursday evening. https://babylonbee.com/news/disaster-as-all-democrats-on-debate-stage-lean-too-far-to-the-left/

MIAMI, FL—Experts around the country and numerous poll results revealed Wednesday evening that the decisive loser in the Democratic debate was the American people. https://babylonbee.com/news/experts-agree-loser-of-first-dem-debate-was-america/

  MIAMI, FL—A spare empty podium and microphone set up backstage at the Democratic debate this evening is projected to win the event “hands down” according to experts. https://babylonbee.com/news/empty-podium-expected-to-win-democratic-debates-by-wide-margin/