Satire

PORTLAND, OR—According to sources at a recent protest in Portland, a self-identified Communist screamed, “Trump is being influenced by the Russians!” while wearing his favorite hammer-and-sickle hat. The man believes Russia is taking over the highest levels of our government, a claim for which he has no evidence. He also believes Soviet-style Communism is the […]

Or open the lid on a can, or … SAN DIEGO, CA—Marvel stole the show at the annual San Diego Comic Convention last month, announcing a new lineup of movies, TV shows and virtue signals to be added to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Some of the announcements were expected, such as Captain America Ignores 70

I’ve lost track of how many times we’ve past the apocalyptic due date.  WORLD—Climate experts have solemnly warned that we only have twelve years left until they change the dates on global warming again. “If we don’t take action, then in 12 years we will have to explain why the world hasn’t ended and come

Is this satire? DETROIT, MI—The second night of CNN’s Democratic debates was intended to be a substantive debate on policy but quickly descended into a tense minimum wage bidding war. It began when Cory Booker suggested a $15 minimum wage and was immediately shouted down for being a Christian-sympathetic bigot. Other candidates started shouting higher and

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump has responded to recent charges that he is a racist, now producing a document that he believes for a fact proves he is not a racist: a rejection letter from the Ku Klux Klan. https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-proves-hes-not-a-racist-by-showing-his-rejection-letter-from-the-kkk/

It just proves that you cannot win the Democratic Primary and be sane.  DETROIT, MI—Presidential candidate Marianne Williamson reported Tuesday that she was not sure what she was doing up on stage with “all these crazy people” after CNN’s first Democratic debate. https://babylonbee.com/news/marianne-williamson-not-sure-what-shes-doing-onstage-with-all-these-crazy-people/

U.S.—With the Democratic primary debates in full swing, many fact-checking websites are preparing to review candidates’ statements for accuracy. Thankfully, Snopes, the most unbiased fact-checking website ever, has found a way to expedite their evaluation process. Since their original founding in 1957 by the KGB, Snopes has gained a reputation for objectively reporting what someone’s secret

BALTIMORE, MD—According to expert biologists working in Guilder’s infamous Fire Swamp, millions of R.O.U.S.es—Rodents of Unusual Size—have begun a “great migration” from the deadly thicket to the scenic, idyllic city of Baltimore. https://babylonbee.com/news/rous-population-migrates-from-fire-swamp-to-idyllic-baltimore/

JERUSALEM—Preserved by scholars in Israel for centuries, an ancient photograph of Cain killing Abel was released for the public for the first time. The photo contained one previously unknown detail about the incident: Al Sharpton immediately showed up just after the murder in order to cry racism. https://babylonbee.com/news/new-evidence-suggests-al-sharpton-immediately-arrived-at-scene-where-cain-killed-abel-to-cry-racism/

For those who have never been to Baltimore to see what it’s like.  BALTIMORE, MD—President Trump launched into a deranged attack against the city of Baltimore, calling it “a disgusting, rat and rodent infested mess” and a place “no human being would want to live.” This caused extreme confusion within the city — as, having

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In his 29-hour-long testimony to Congress earlier this week, former special counsel Robert Mueller was quick to remind lawmakers that his report on Russian interference in the 2016 election did not exonerate Trump from the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln in 1865.   https://babylonbee.com/news/mueller-reminds-nation-report-doesnt-exonerate-trump-from-assassination-of-abraham-lincoln/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an apparent technical error, President Trump appeared in front of the seal of the Galactic Empire during a speech at a Turning Point USA summit earlier this week.   https://babylonbee.com/news/in-technical-error-trump-appears-in-front-of-official-seal-of-galactic-empire/

AFTERLIFE—A new report from the afterlife indicated that the television sets in the waiting room outside hell are playing a steady stream of CNN’s 24/7 broadcast.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Robert Mueller was being criticized for seemingly answering questions slowly, not recalling key details of his investigation, and appearing to be confused throughout his testimony Wednesday. https://babylonbee.com/news/i-am-still-sharp-as-a-tack-protests-mueller-moments-before-taking-phone-call-on-a-banana/

GREENVILLE, NC—A rally for President Trump was once again marked by the crowd chanting in unison. The catalyst was Trump’s mentioning Representative Ilhan Omar. https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-claims-crowd-was-generously-offering-to-mail-omar-some-classical-music-with-chant-of-send-her-bach/

The one thing that both Democrats and Republicans can agree on is increased spending. There they are arm-in-arm.   WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a rare moment of bipartisan unity, Democrats and Republicans came together just long enough to approve spending even more money we don’t have, plunging the nation into even more crushing debt. https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-republicans-stop-fighting-just-long-enough-to-approve-even-more-crushing-debt/