U.S.—Experts solemnly warned the nation that it may be too late to stop the 7-hour climate change town hall scheduled to air on CNN tonight.
Despite humanity’s best efforts to stall climate change town halls by long-winded, self-important politicians, the event appears to be rapidly approaching. No one has been able to come up with a plan to stop it, and now there’s a scientific consensus that it’s inevitable.
“We have reached the point of no return,” said one expert grimly as he took a shot of something from a flask. “We have less than 12 hours before the Democrats do irreparable damage to our sanity by talking for seven full freakin’ hours on television.”
“The only thing we can do now is say goodbye to our loved ones,” he added. “And maybe tune into something else, like HGTV or something. Anything.”
Radical activists tried to distract the candidates to prevent the town hall from moving forward. One man left a wallet with some $20 bills sticking out of it in hopes that Bernie Sanders would get distracted. Another left a book of cool cuss words on a park bench, hoping that Beto O’Rourke would make a detour to pick it up. But all of these efforts have failed, and now the climate change town hall will affect everybody on the planet, or at least CNN’s seven viewers.
The inescapable broadcast is expected to cause a sharp rise in unprovable claims, such as linking Hurricane Dorian to human activity. Scientists also predict a rapid surge of Prius purchases.
“We’ve been warning the public about this for years,” said Chuck Little, certified climate authority. “Can you believe some people still think public profiteering off trendy political footballs isn’t real? Deniers,” he scoffed.
At publishing time, experts were revising their predictions, claiming that future climate change town halls could still be avoided if everyone followed the climate change advocates’ advice to “do as we say, not as we do.”