Bernie Tests Negative For President

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BURLINGTON, VT—From one of his many sprawling homes, Bernie Sanders announced today that he has tested negative for president.

Addressing concerned supporters, Sanders broke the news that medical professionals have informed him he is 100% negative for president.

“The test results came back, and thankfully, they were negative,” Sanders said to his supporters. “There wasn’t even 1/1024th of a trace of presidential material in me. I have been cleared to return to my usual schtick of ranting about billionaires. Although, if I become a billionaire, I will switch to complaining about trillionaires.”

“Curse you, billionaihs!” he added.

Sanders said the results were a “big relief” as he can now continue to complain about the system without having to implement his terrible ideas. “It was a close one. People were starting to take me seriously, and that had me worried. But now I can retire to my many homes in peace.”

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