Living a carbon-neutral life isn’t always easy, but with hard work, dedication, and lots of self-loathing, it can be done.
Here are ten ways you can reduce your carbon footprint at this very moment:
1.) Kill yourself. This is a surefire strategy to make your carbon footprint as small as possible. Just make sure to do it in a carbon-neutral way, like running yourself over with a Prius.
2.) Kill a friend or family member. Don’t just kill yourself: go the extra mile as an earth-loving, conscientious citizen. Kill as many people as possible to save the planet!
3.) Recycle your heretical Joel Osteen books by using them as doorstops instead of burning them. We know it’s tempting to burn that copy of Your Best Life Now that your well-meaning grandma got you for Christmas last year, but resist the urge. Instead, repurpose your Osteen books as a doorstop or paperweight.
4.) Have an abortion. See number 2.
5.) Cut your breathing back to just once every 7 minutes. Instead of selfishly insisting on breathing every few seconds, reduce your air usage to once every 6 or 7 minutes. As an added bonus, this might help you accomplish step #1 as well.
6.) Insist that your church use a giant golden goblet instead of wasteful plastic communion cups. Picket your pastor’s house until he agrees to this green solution!
7.) Put a Coexist sticker on your Hummer. Coexist stickers are magical. They ensure you are forgiven for any extra chemicals you pump into the air. Slap a Coexist sticker on your Hummer or giant lifted monster truck to show people that you care and instantly earn yourself a few carbon credits.
8.) Make an alarmist documentary telling people to change their lifestyles while you fly in private jets and live in expensive mansions. It’s a tried and true method.
9.) Eat less Taco Bell. The number one cause of climate change is the after-effects of Taco Bell. Switch to vegan options like the grass in your front yard or maybe some rocks to make sure you’re doing your part to save Earth.
10.) Advocate for reasonable policies like replacing every car in America with a guy who carries you on his back to your destination. You have to support major government action, such as replacing every car in America with a guy who carries you on his back to wherever you’re going. It’s convenient, green, and fun! Additionally, this measure would create millions of jobs.
We hope you take this advice to heart, so we can enjoy a safer, cleaner, humanless planet!