PORTLAND, OR—Using new photographic future-imaging software Chronologitronic, visual media experts at Portland State University have revealed what Portland would look like had Antifa not been out on the streets hitting old people, beating up journalists, and throwing vegan coconut milkshakes at anybody they deemed “fascist.”
The image reveals a hellscape of authoritarian Nazi reign. The Portland we know today is barely recognizable but for a few familiar landmarks such as the Portland sign, the Portland convention center pointy things, and VooDoo Donuts. Other than that it’s pure nazis as far as the eye can see.
Experts say that the actions of Antifa have abated potential nazi groups from sprouting up in one of the most politically left-leaning parts of the country. Thanks to the vigilante group, only a few very small factions of actual nazis exist, and they don’t even have the funding to make cool helmets and flags yet.
Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler has cited this image-rendering as evidence backing his decision to allow Antifa to, “roam the streets and just go nuts out there.” Wheeler told local diners to provide the group with all the vegan coconut milkshakes they desire and for the police to turn a blind eye if they start wailing on someone with a bike lock or an old pipe. “Sometimes to fight the big fascism, you need some littler fascism,” Wheeler explained. “Antifa, keep doing what you’re doing.”