WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congressional Democrats recently noticed a problem in our nation: many of the people who voted for Donald Trump have yet to be beaten up.
Our Democratic leaders in Washington decided it was time to solve this problem because they are really good at identifying problems we didn’t even know we had and then solving them.
Presidential candidate Joaquin Castro, who spearheaded the program, explained, “The solution is simple and cost-effective: a national Trump Voter Registry, forcing anyone who voted for Trump to register so people around them will be able to be cautious and vigilant while living among such reckless hate.”
Anyone who voted for Trump will have to sign up on the national registry’s website. Then, their name and address will automatically appear on a map of the country so that their neighbors can avoid them and hopefully beat them up.
The bill also contains many other requirements for Trump voters:
They cannot live within 1,000 feet of a school, park, or civilized Democrat.
They must knock on all doors of other people in their neighborhood when they move in and identify themselves as a Trump voter.
They are required to wear their MAGA hats at all times so they can easily be identified as a legitimate target of harassment.
They must hire a crier to go before them and shout “SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!” whenever they go outside.
They are not allowed to get a job or conduct commerce unless they agree to get the Mark of Obama on their hand and forehead.
“With this new registry, we can finally have healing in our nation,” said Nancy Pelosi. “Especially Trump voters. They’ll have to have a lot of healing after they get punched in the face.”