Is this even satire? SILVER SPRING, MD—Local parents Bill and Cindy Kaufmann completed an annual tradition Friday when they posted a photo of their 28-year-old son Justin moving back into their basement. https://babylonbee.com/news/parents-of-28-year-old-millennial-post-annual-back-to-basement-picture/
Watch the wording here. Via the AP: BERLIN — July was the hottest month measured on Earth since records began in 1880, the latest in a long line of peaks that scientists say backs up predictions for man-made climate change. No, it may backup predictions of warming, but not man-made warming.
Arizona prosecutors have lost an appeal to seek the death penalty against an illegal immigrant accused of murdering a store clerk. This week the state’s Court of Appeals denied the request, ruling the 34-year-old Mexican national can not face capital punishment because he is “intellectually disabled.” The court also told prosecutors they are not allowed …
Ariz. court rejects appeal for death penalty for illegal accused of murder Read More »
NUUK, GREENLAND—There have been rumors that President Trump was considering buying Greenland, and Trump has now confirmed those rumors, revealing that he sees it as a great moneymaking opportunity if the U.S. purchases the world’s largest island, fixes it up, and then sells it at a much higher price. https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-to-buy-greenland-install-shiplap-hardwood-floors-flip-for-profit/
WASHINGTON, DC—According to sources within the federal government, God has filed a petition demanding the United States remove the phrase “In God We Trust” from all of its currency. https://babylonbee.com/news/god-demands-america-remove-in-god-we-trust-from-currency/
This is what regulations will do — put people out of work. No need for drivers when the sefl-driving trucks do require minimum wage, don’t go on strike, don’t need specific rest breaks, and can drive until their tanks are empty. UPS has been secretly hauling cargo back and forth between Phoenix and Tuczon, Arizona …
Not a great start to a vision of battery powered only airplanes. Norway’s first battery-powered airplane crashed into a lake yesterday, Reuters reports. While no one was harmed in the crash, the incident could be a set back for the country, which hopes to electrify all domestic flights by 2040.
In the aftermath of the mass shooting in Dayton, Ohio, authorities are now saying the gunman had several substances in his system at the time of the attack. On Thursday, the Montgomery County Coroner’s Office announced Connor Betts had anti-depressants, cocaine and alcohol among other chemicals in his body. “A pipe device was found in …
Denied Israel, ackn Palestine Denied Holocaust Denied Jerusalem is capital Denied entry Razor
Here’s the interesting thing. Only the SPLC labels “Proud Boys” a hate group. The FBI says that they are not an extremist group (see also here). But because of the SPLC’s label, we have much drama and injuries have occurred. I’m glad that they have sued the SPLC. I hope that Gavin McInnes takes them for everything …
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congresswomen Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar reported Thursday they were bewildered that they got banned from Israel, a country they seem to believe shouldn’t exist at all. https://babylonbee.com/news/women-who-dont-believe-israel-has-right-to-exist-not-sure-why-they-got-banned-from-israel/
Good thing it’s not in AOC’s district. She wouldn’t let them in. #GottaKeepNewYorkersOnTheDole Apple is searching for a large office in Manhattan with between 200,000 and 500,000 square feet of space, according to New York real estate site The Real Deal. One source cited in the report believes Apple may end up securing up to 750,000 square …
Apple Reportedly Seeking Large Office Space in New York City Read More »
The plot thickens. I’m not normally a conspiracy type of guy, but this one stinks to high heaven. The mystery deepens around the apparent suicide of late sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. Sources close to the matter say an autopsy found Epstein sustained multiple breaks in his neck bones, including his hyoid bone. Forensic experts say …
Must build the wall! 😂 BARAD-DUR—Sauron has announced a new construction project for Mordor, which is an economic and military superpower nestled in the quaint, spider-infested hills to the east of Gondor. https://babylonbee.com/news/sauron-builds-wall-to-prevent-people-from-simply-walking-into-mordor/
Via the AP: WASHINGTON — Most large employers say a “Medicare for all” system would lower the number of uninsured people in the United States, but they are concerned it could increase health care costs and taxes while stifling innovation and quality, a new survey shows. The concerns come as health industry groups seek to …
Survey finds ‘Medicare for all’ would do more but cost more Read More »
Via the Associated Press: PORTLAND, Ore. — Portland police are mobilizing to prevent clashes between out-of-state far-right groups planning a rally here and the homegrown anti-fascists who oppose them as America’s culture wars seep into this progressive haven. Saturday’s rally — and the violence it may bring — are a relatively new reality here, as …
Portland braces for far-right rally, counterprotest Read More »
WASHINGTON, D.C.—A scarred, disfigured President Trump sat brooding in the Oval Office Wednesday morning and flipped his favorite coin to determine whether he was going to do something good for the country today or do something totally insane. https://babylonbee.com/news/scarred-disfigured-trump-flips-coin-to-see-if-hes-gonna-do-something-good-today-or-do-something-totally-insane/
I’m all for this! WASHINGTON, D.C.—The American state department has come up with an ingenious plan to solve China’s democratic protest problems and make our nation great again in one fell swoop. Through some great negotiating on the part of Donald Trump, we’ve struck a deal to trade all of our country’s Communists for Hong …
America Offers To Trade All Of Its Communists For Democratic Protesters In Hong Kong Read More »
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Green New Deal was laughed off as unrealistic when it was first introduced. But its architects were not deterred by the haters and pressed on trying to iron out the details of the plan that will soon save the world. In particular, their plan to get rid of all cars seemed to be slightly …